Chapter 80

After Rachel had picked up her sister, Robin, at Newark Airport, the two sisters were happily bound for Atlantic City.  A combination of good food, wine, pampering spa treatments and a bit of gambling were the perfect backdrop for their girl’s weekend.

The first hour of the trip had been spent catching up on family news with Robin talking non-stop about the thrills of being a grandmother, baby Hunter’s new skills and his first tooth. There was always some new silly story about their parents, particularly their father and then the typical eye-rolling conversations about her husband, Rick.  

Her sister took her time in getting there, but it wasn’t long before Rachel was the main focus of Robin’s attention.

“You’re trying so hard to show me your ‘Happy Face’ that I know things must be bad.  Is it Tyler’s birthday or is there something more?”

“Because Tyler’s birthday isn’t enough?” she snorted, checking her rearview mirror before switching lanes on the Garden State Parkway.

“No, silly girl, it’s plenty enough.  I just notice you’ve not mentioned Jon’s name since we talked last night.  What’s going on with you two?”

Even keeping her own eyes on the road, Rachel could feel Robin’s concerned gaze boring a hole into her.  It hadn’t been her intention to discuss Jon and their relationship on this trip, but her sister seemed genuinely concerned and had always proven to be a good sounding board in the past. 

What have I got to lose?

“I’m not sure how to answer that,” she led slowly, her mind racing to come up with a suitable response. “Things aren’t good between us.  We’ve done nothing but fight since we left our vacation and that was a couple months ago.  I could probably count the number of times we’ve had sex since January."

She caught a glimpse of Robin’s frown as she twisted in the seat, bringing one knee to rest on the seat.  “What happened to the love fest?  From what I saw during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, I thought you two would be announcing an engagement any day.  All this because he’s periodically inconsiderate?  Honey… he’s a man.  They all have their moments of being jerks.”

“Nick wasn’t a jerk.”  He wasn’t, Rachel thought.  Nick would never have spoken to her the way Jon had.  He had treated her like a Princess. 

Robin’s reply was soft but firm.  “Rachel… Nick’s death has left you with distorted memories.  He was a great guy, but he wasn’t perfect.  And he DID have his moments of being a jerk, too!  Do you remember how he overreacted when you had the fender-bender in his new car?  Or maybe you’ve forgotten when your water broke with Lauren while he was on the golf course, and he asked if you could wait until his game was over?  Or how about when Tyler was going through his biting phase and bit Lauren?  Nick spanked that baby hard enough to leave a mark on his little leg.  Do you remember THOSE things about Nick?”

Okay, fine.  He had been a jerk when she wrecked his new Corvette right after they got married.   Because Nick was such a car freak, Rachel had known from the moment of impact that it would be a huge scene and he hadn’t disappointed.  He had thrown an absolute fit in fact.  But, she justified, they were young and he’d spent every last dime on that car.  It wasn't an everyday thing for him to lose his temper that way.

And, yes, it was true he could be inconsiderate, as he had been when she went into labor with Lauren.  But that was because he was so into his golf game that he’d spoken before he thought it through, she reasoned.

As for the biting incident, he’d been heartsick when he bruised Tyler.  Nick hadn’t slept at all that night, worrying that their young son would somehow hold it against him.  At the time, Rachel had tried to rationalize the harshness towards their baby by thinking it was just Nick’s way of disciplining the boy. She hadn’t liked it, but she didn’t want Tyler’s biting to just be ignored, either.

“I remember all of that, but at least we didn’t fight like rabid wolves.  Jon and I fight hard, and sometimes he says things that cut me to the core.  The hurt goes so deep I find walls coming up between us, just so I can protect myself.” 

She might not have intended to do this, but, once she started, Rachel spilled it all to her unsuspecting sister.

“Even when we do have sex, it’s different now, Robin.  It’s… timid almost.  That’s just one more area we’re walking on eggshells with each other.  I mean, I used to love hearing him walk through the door.  Now?  Now it just makes me tense and I make excuses to work late or stay in the City to avoid coming home to him.  I think he does the same thing.  It’s just the opposite of what we were.”

“Do you still love him?”

“To the center of my soul,” Rachel answered the blunt question immediately.  She didn’t need a single second to think that over.  “I know it sounds terrible, but in twenty years with Nick I never felt for him what I feel for Jon.  It’s intense.  Bad and good alike, it’s always intense.”

“Ah.  Passion.”  Robin’s giggle wasn’t very subtle.  “He’s got a certain something going on.  I can see where that might be intense.”

Rachel couldn’t stifle the grin forming on her mouth.  Yeah, he definitely had something going on…. When things were good, they were amazing together.  In or out of bed.

“He’s got the most magnificent body.  I swear, Robin, when we were in the Caribbean I couldn’t keep my hands off him.”  Rachel laughed at the mere memory of their trip to Turks and Caicos.  “He kept threatening to change his clothes in the bathroom because every time he undressed I was all over him.”

“That’s all well and good, but is there more than lust, little sister?  Because if it’s just hot sex, the ups and downs aren’t worth the ride.”

Was it more than just hot sex? 

She thought of the way they’d taken care of each other over these months of challenges.  They hadn’t had sex for days when he lost the football team, but she’d felt closer to him during that time than ever before.  It hadn’t been about sex when he patiently took care of her, waiting for her to let go of her past and come to terms with falling in love again.  Their relationship had been tempered in the moments like those, in which Jon declared them to be “working out the kinks.  Rachel thought those were their strongest moments together – and they hadn’t revolved around their sexual relationship at all.  

There had been their share of hurdles, to be sure, but what they felt for each other was genuine, deep and abiding.  She was more certain of that right now than she’d ever been.

“It is,” Rachel quietly answered her sister as they merged onto the Atlantic City expressway, the neon lights looming in the distance.  “It’s so much more than just hot sex.”

                                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The brief trip with Robin was fun and served its primary purpose – to get through Tyler’s birthday. If she was honest though, she had been dying to get home to Jon before the weekend was over.  The time to reflect had given Rachel a much-needed mental break, renewing her determination to work through their issues and move on to a life together. 

She puttered around her kitchen, tidying up while waiting on Jon to join her.  He was currently on his way back from the City after dropping off his kids at their mother’s.  It had given Rachel plenty of time to get back herself, unpack, shower and start dinner. 

The table had been carefully set, Bolognese sauce was simmering on the stove, the salad was chopped and ready to be tossed and a couple bottles of wine were chilling in the fridge.  All that was missing was her dinner companion.  The wait gave her time to curl into the corner of the sofa and get a jump-start on her next project. 

Rachel realized she'd spent too much time in recent weeks – months, maybe – focusing on things that were draining her.  Life was for the living and, while Nick and their children would always remain in her heart, it was time to put her energy into more positive thoughts. 

Everybody had their version of a “bucket list”.  Rachel was no exception, but it had been far too long since she thought about the things she had listed and it was time to update hers.  It was time to revisit the things she had always wanted to do, but for one reason or another, never had.

She was so invested in the things scratched into the notepad on her lap, she didn’t even hear Jon come in the front door.

“Hey, Blondie…”

At the tentatively pleasant greeting behind her, she twisted her head to the left.  One look over her shoulder gave her a rush she hadn’t had in ages.  He was intoxicating, beautiful, and she was genuinely happy to see him. 

“Hey there, Rockstar.”

He bent over the back of the sofa to greet her with a kiss, but that simple kiss carried the impact of a sizzling bolt of lightning.   Senses humming, Rachel’s arm twisted behind her, winding around his neck as the kiss deepened.  She’d forgotten that sexy little growl of his until he broke the kiss with it and spoke against her mouth.

“It’s been awhile since you kissed me like that, little girl.”

Their lips were still nibbling at each other when she teased, “It’s been awhile since I kissed you at all.”

“’S’true… let alone anything else.”

When he nipped at her lip, Rachel absently wondered how long that pasta sauce could simmer unattended if she decided to flip him over the couch and make up for lost time.  “I may have to remedy that tonight.”

“You’re really gonna make me wait until tonight, aren’t you???”

He was growling again, this time with frustration and she laughed hard enough to be worried about spitting all over him.  “You have such a one track mind.  How about I get you a glass of wine and finish up dinner?”

“Mm… it smells great.  But, how about I get us both some wine and we wait a bit on dinner?  Okay with you?”   

The sauce would be fine, she decided.  Her nod was enough to send Jon to the kitchen, returning with two glasses of his favorite chilled Pinot Grigio.  

He handed Rachel her glass and sat beside her, laying his arm across the back of the couch.  Jon rubbed her neck as he set his wine on the end table, tentatively asking, “I know you didn’t want me to grill you about how you’re doing…. Is it okay to ask how your trip was?”

“It was... good, overall, but I’m glad the day is over.  It’s so hard to believe it would’ve been Tyler’s 13^th birthday.  How could it be that long ago that he was born?  I remember that night like it was last night.  He was such a sweet thing.  So perfectly beautiful.”  She shook her head wistfully at the recollection, enjoying it, yet not dwelling.  “It was good to be with Robin.  She allowed me just the right amount of reminiscing to go along with my distraction.”

“I’m sorry … that I didn’t deliver what you needed.”  Jon took a healthy swallow of his wine before changing directions.   “Anyway,  I’m glad you girls enjoyed your time.  You seem more relaxed.”

“I feel more relaxed.”

“I like you relaxed.”  The peck to her mouth was flavored with the wine and Rachel might have mauled the man right then and there if he hadn’t mentioned the paper on her lap.  “What’s with the notepad?”

“My bucket list.”

“Oh yeah??  You mentioned a bucket list when we were in the Hamptons – that day in the car when we watched the sunset, remember?”

“Mmm, not really.  I’m surprised you do.”

“I pay attention, missy.  You said you wanted to live in Hawaii for a while.  And you told me I was spending too much time in the Four Seasons because I’d never hiked Diamond Head.”

“I do remember that, now that you mention it,” she chuckled.  “I’d love for us to go sometime.   It would be amazing to experience that with you.  To stand up there, looking out over that view...”

Loving eyes met hers just before he leaned in and kissed her temple.  “Then I’ll take you and you can show me what all the fuss is about.  What else is on your list?”

“London.  I want to see London.”

“You’ve never been to London?”

Rachel shook her head with a slight roll to her eyes.   “No.  I've never been to Europe at all.  Nick didn’t like long flights.  Five or six hours was all I could ever get out of him, so that limited things. I’m fascinated with the history and architecture of London.  And Paris!  I want to see Paris.”

“I love London.  The energy is off the charts – a  little like Manhattan.  I can see we have some travelling ahead of us.” 

“I think the only thing better than seeing Paris would be seeing it with you.”

“I could probably arrange some time over there so you could really get the experience.  Would you like that?”

Rachel scooted over to Jon’s lap and wrapped her arms around his neck, peppering his neck and jaw gentle kisses.  “I would love to spend some time there with you.  Honestly, I’d really like to just spend some time with you.   It doesn’t have to be London or Paris or Hawaii.  New Jersey is fine with me.”

Jon’s quiet response was slow in coming.  It almost hesitant, really, but no less insinuating when he noted,  “I’ve been right here, Rachel.  You’re the one who’s been running off.”

She was left speechless for what seemed like minutes before surrendering to the painful truth of their situation.  Without actually accepting the inferred blame, she softly sighed and told him, “I’m so tired of fighting with you.  I miss who we were.”

His grin was slow and sure, and his eyes lit with a light she hadn't seen in them since Turks and Caicos.  That light lit not only his eyes, but her heart and she suddenly had the bone-deep feeling that everything was going to be okay.

"I've always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter,” he drawled, angling his mouth to hers.  “So whatcha say I take you to that big, fluffy bed upstairs, where we’ll roll around so much you’ll complain I’ve torn the sheets off again?  That sounds like who we were.  Doesn't it?”

Reveling in the sensation that only his lips could give her, she murmured into his kiss, “That sounds exactly like who we were.”