Chapter 79

Looking at the calendar reminded Rachel that her baby boy’s birthday was in just a few days.  He would have been 13 this year. 

Thirteen.  It was hard to believe so many years had passed since that sweet angel had been placed in her arms for the very first time.   She remembered the moment so vividly that it might have been yesterday instead of over a decade ago.  Not to say that it was any more significant than Lauren’s birth, but something about this birthday was especially hard for Rachel.  The invisible milestone when her boy should have started his trek toward manhood had her reaching into her closet full of Braden memories for a familiar touch.

They’d had it all, she and Nick.  A loving marriage, a beautiful home…  and then they’d been blessed with their little girl.   When a son followed five years later, they truly were the perfect little family. 

Nick had adored Lauren – spoiled her rotten, really.  There was never a doubt in anyone’s mind that she was his little princess, but when his son had been born, Nick was beyond overjoyed.  She supposed it was a man thing, bringing a male heir into the world and it made him as happy with her as he was with their son.

“Everything I’ve ever had or accomplished is because I had you in my life.”  She remembered the words he’d uttered to her as clearly as she remembered the night he spoke them. 

They were standing at Tyler’s crib.  He was sleeping peacefully and they were wrapped in each other’s arms, talking as husbands and wives do.  They discussed their dreams for the kids, marveled at how far they’d come in their life together and what the next part of their ‘life plan’ would lead them to. 

Never once did they consider that their life plan would never be fulfilled.

Now the children were safe with their father in some other world she wasn’t a part of.  She had to believe that he was still present with Lauren and Tyler, taking care of them until she rejoined them all at some distant point in the future.  That slightly convoluted train of thought was the only way she had been able to live through losing them.  

Even though it allowed her to find some semblance of peace,  it was times like this she missed Nick more than she cared to admit.  As the father of her children, he could relate to her grief and share in memories of their children’s lives – memories of them as a family.  

It would have been nice to have him here for this birthday.  Nick would understand how special the day Tyler became a teenager should’ve been.  It would have been a big event in their house, no doubt, and Rachel was suddenly bitter at all the things her son would never get to do or be. 

Regardless of how much he might like to, Jon would never be able to share that.  He was sympathetic, certainly, but the only person who could truly understand the loss of her two precious babies was Nick – and he was with them. 

Somewhere.

At least she didn’t want to curl up in a ball and relive every moment of the days leading up to Tyler’s birth, watching his baby videos and remembering those hours trying to deliver him.  That was progress.  She’d taken that approach the first two years after the accident, and it wasn’t a good choice. 

Rachel had found that she needed to be busy, and to that end, thought maybe a few days away with Jon might be good for her and them.  While she didn’t want to be coddled during this time, she needed Jon’s support.  But seeing as they still were in an awkward place, she dared hope that, in addition to providing that support, the time away would serve to bring them back together on their normal level. 

That was why Rachel convinced Jon to take a couple days for them to go on a blind road trip – to just get in the car and go wherever it took them.  They might end up in Boston, or Philadelphia...  Who knew where the road would lead? It didn’t really matter, she just wanted an excuse to be doing something. 

It was be easier to just not tell Jon the specifics of why she wanted to leave town.  She didn’t want him asking her how she was doing every few minutes, or if she was okay.  It wasn’t about memorializing Tyler’s birthday so much as it was about just getting through it. 

Jon hadn’t seemed over-the-top excited at her suggestion, but he went along if only to pacify her.  That was okay with Rachel so long as they were out and about, exploring new things and reconnecting with each other.   

Every battle they’d waged in recent weeks had left them scarred, further apart than the fight before, and never quite able to get back to where they were.  Rachel hoped that the funk she found herself in with Jon was exacerbated by her struggle with Tyler’s upcoming birthday and that, when the big day passed, things would somehow seem better with her man. 

It was Wednesday, two days before they were scheduled to depart, when Jon sauntered into Rachel’s kitchen carrying a huge bouquet of flowers in one arm and a basket in the other.  A quick peek at the basket’s contents revealed an arrangement of tequila, vodka, rum and two bottles of wine.  

“Honey, I’m home!”

Switching the stove off, Rachel turned to accept the kiss from his already puckered lips.  “Wow!  Looks like you’re covering all your bases tonight, huh?”

“Yeah.  I figure if the flowers don’t work I’ll ply you with liquor.”

“I hardly think I’m so difficult you need flowers AND liquor…”

The sideways cock of his head would have been enough to charm her into doing anything he wanted her to do.  Sometimes, the man entertained the hell out of her just by breathing.  And when he was in a playful mood?  She couldn’t resist him. 

“I dunno…. you’ve not been very happy with me lately,” he teased, parking his offerings on the island.

“I’m hoping things will find their level in a few days.  I really just need to get out of here.  A little distraction will do wonders.  You’ll see.”

“Yeah.  About that little getaway we had planned…”

His charm got up and walked out the door with that one sentence.   He couldn’t know how desperate she was feeling, or how she was hanging on by a thread,  but that didn’t matter to her at the moment.  Rachel’s shoulders instinctively drew up closer to her ears and her arms wrapped around her own body to protect herself from the hurt she knew was coming. 

“Don’t do it…” she begged before she could stop herself.

“Honey, it’s just a tiny postponement.  We can leave Sunday night, but Dorothea is gonna be out of town and I need to have the kids with me.  I don’t want to leave them with nannies when I don’t have to.”

She realized Jon didn’t know why she wanted to be gone on these specific days, and she could completely understand, even agree, that it was wrong for his kids to be with anyone but their father when their mother didn’t have them.  But her fragile emotional state combined with the feeling that Dorothea had once again been put at the top of Jon’s priority list… Well, it didn’t sit well.   

Rachel was angry and annoyed, but deeper inside she felt something like a kicked dog too wounded and battle-worn to fight.  She didn’t even bother to ask why there was a last minute change with parenting schedules. 

Grateful to the timely ringing of her phone, Rachel blessed whoever was responsible for the melodic noise that, to her ears, sounded like the saving grace of a bell signaling the end of a boxing round.  It didn’t matter who it was – this was a call she was going to take.   Anything would be better than another disagreement with Jon. 

“I need to get this, it’s my sister.”

“Rach, c’mon… Don’t be mad.  We’ll leave Sunday.  I’ll make it up to you in spades.”

The ringing continued while Rachel moved toward the back staircase.  She looked over her shoulder and tried to sound nonchalant, “Don’t worry about it, Jon.  I’m gonna talk to my sister while I soak in the tub.” 

                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She could hear him coming up the stairs about an hour later, when she stepped out of the closet with another sweater.  Enough clothes for a couple of days were laid out on the bed and the new leather bag he’d given her for Christmas was sitting open next to the stack of panties and socks. 

The wine glasses he was toting emerged through the doorway and caught her eye before she actually saw him.  Jon offered her one of the glasses about the same time he noticed her packing.  “You goin’ somewhere?”

The chilled wine was refreshing after her long soak in a hot bath, and Rachel took a second sip.  “Mmm… this is perfect.  Thank you.”  She stepped in and kissed him gratefully before answering his question.  “Uh, yeah.  My sister is coming tomorrow and we’re going to take off for a couple days since you’re tied up with your kids.”

His annoyance was instantaneous, but it didn’t last long.  That annoyance quickly turned to explosive anger.

“JESUS, RACHEL!  WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?  I only pushed back our trip by a couple days!  So you cried to your sister that I’m a terrible bastard, and now she’s flying across the country to rescue you from my evil clutches because I have the chance to spend some extra time with my kids?”  He waved her off before spinning around and walking out the door.  “Fuck this!  You’re completely unreasonable!  I don’t think God himself could make you happy!”

“Jon!  You misunderstood.”  He was already out the door and headed down the hallway.  “HEY!  Wait a minute” 

When she caught up to him he was already on the second step, meaning they were eye to eye when he  whirled around.   His jaw was clenched as the tip of his finger jabbed the air, mere inches from her face.  “This is one of those times you DON’T want to talk to me,” he spat.

“Jon!  Hear me out!”

“NO!  Not one word out of you!!!   Every time my kids come up there’s a fight!  And you think I’d even CONSIDER having one with you?  No fuckin’ way, baby!” 

The pace at which he took the stairs was staggering – it didn’t even look like his feet touched the ground – and Rachel was left standing at the top of the staircase in stunned silence. 

She didn’t know if she was more mad or more hurt.  Either way, she refused to chase after him, choosing instead to return to her packing and, eventually, crawling into her bed.  Alone.

The hours passed with Rachel tossing and turning, sleep nowhere to be found.  Jon had always been the one to cave in whenever they’d had problems in the past.  The fact that he hadn’t returned to her bed that night, after being so insistent that they always sleep under the same roof, was proof of how angry he was. 

Not that she could blame him this time.  She should have just told Jon from the beginning what was so damned important about leaving on schedule.  This misunderstanding was all on her. 

This is ridiculous!  Just go to the man and explain!

What had seemed deplorable to her before bedtime struck her with middle-of-the-night clarity and, suddenly, she couldn’t get to him fast enough. 

Hurling out of bed, Rachel threw on a robe and slipped into her running shoes.   She knew she could’ve run the short distance to Jon’s house in less time than it would take her to drive, but the cold weather combined with the late hour convinced her that driving was better. 

When she arrived next door, the portico leading into the courtyard nearest the family wing entrance was secured for the night.  That meant Rachel ended up parking her SUV at the front entrance and used her key at the main door.  Once inside, she quickly reset the alarm and rushed up the front staircase.

He had a habit of sleeping with the drapes open, she had often found him standing at the window staring at the Navesink River when he couldn’t sleep.  Tonight, the moon allowed just enough light to spill into the room so that she could see he was in the bed.  He was lying on his back, one arm thrown over his head and the other resting on his stomach. 

Rachel heard him exhale, but it was really more of a huff than a natural breath.   He was obviously awake… and not particularly happy that she was there.

She said nothing, only crawling into bed with him and tentatively resting her head on his chest.  He hesitated, but finally dropped his arm to curl around her, never speaking a word.

They stayed mutually silent in that same position for several minutes.  Finally, unsure what else to do, Rachel slid her hand across his stomach and wrapped her pinky finger around his. 

“I love you, Jon,” she whispered. 

His lack of response broke her heart.  The silence smothered her and she could feel the tears begin to form in her eyes.  The despair was more than she could take.  

“If you’ll just let me explain…”

His chest rose and fell, and he reached out to turn on the light next to the bed before speaking.  “Alright, Rachel.  It’s obvious I’m not gonna get any sleep tonight, anyway, so we may as well make use of the time.”

His tone wasn’t at all warm, but Rachel knew if he understood the circumstances….

“Honey, the reason I wanted to get out of here for a few days is only because Tyler’s birthday is Saturday.    I just felt like I needed to distract myself with something that would keep me busy.  It doesn’t have anything to do with your kids, I swear to you.  It’s just the timing.  And then when my sister called, she knew I was upset and… well… in a spur of the moment decision, she decided to come and have a girls’ trip.” 

Her man blew out a long breath, and then another one before he spoke to her. 

“Rach… why didn’t you just say that’s why you wanted to leave town when you mentioned the trip?”

“I didn’t want to spend those days with you asking me if I was okay, or how I was….I just wanted to let the time pass as painlessly as possible – to run away for a few days.”  Her voice became wistful.  Almost timid.  “It would’ve been his 13th birthday…. a milestone, ya know?” 

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m not sympathetic… because I am.  I can’t imagine what it’s like for you to deal with this every day and you handle it remarkably well.  But do you realize how much simpler things would’ve been if you’d told me what’s going on in your head?  I’m not a mind reader, Rachel.” 

He was right.  She knew he was, but she didn’t have it to do over again.  All she could do was try and justify herself.

“It’s just that things have been so bad between us the past few months.  I’m a little guarded, I guess.  My sister is coming for moral support and to have a visit – that’s all.   You’re right, though… I should’ve just told you.”  Rachel was willing to accept her part of the blame in this, but she wasn’t the only one who had mishandled the situation.  “Jon, I’m not the only one who’s lacking in communication skills.  It wouldn’t have hurt for you to talk to me before you changed our plans.”

He sighed again, but this time it was almost a growl.  “There’s one more thing you can add to my long list of disappointing deeds.  I’m tired…. let’s just get some sleep.”

Dismissively flipping onto his side, he reached for the lamp.  This wasn’t how she wanted to end their night.  Sucking in a determined breath, she tried one more time, “Jon, please…”

He flicked off the bedside light and cut her off before she could even finish.  “Enough, Rachel.  You’re right – there are some times we just shouldn’t talk.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  G’night.”