Chapter 78

Rachel was feeling decidedly more relaxed the next morning.  It could’ve been the good night’s sleep, courtesy of being in her own bed for the first time in a week.  Or, it could’ve been the middle-of-the-night orgasm courtesy of her next-door neighbor.

Either way, there was an extra spring her step as she bounced down the back stairs into the kitchen.  Stepping from the carpeted staircase to the hardwood floors brought Jon’s back into view.   He was standing at the counter and turned to look at her just as he began to sip from a mug.  After swallowing with an appreciative groan, he saluted her, crowing,  “Now THAT’S coffee.”

The expensive barista machine he gifted her with at Christmas had turned out to be one of her all-time favorite gifts, but she’d never tell him that.  She preferred letting him believe that she merely tolerated it.  That kept him from getting an unnecessarily inflated ego.  His ego was just fine the way it was.  It certainly didn’t need any help from her. 

The aroma as she approached him was heavenly, only to become more pronounced as she took the mug he offered. 

“Is this for me?”

His kiss was warm from the coffee when he murmured against her lips, “It is now.  I’ll make another one for myself.”

Shameful, really, that he still turned her on with nothing more than a simple, chaste kiss.  It would be so easy to let herself become lured into forgetting everything that was wrong between them.  While their late night romp had obviously improved both of their moods, she was level-headed enough to understand that their lives hadn’t suddenly blossomed into an idyllic field of hearts and flowers. 

Rachel knew the clock had ticked away long enough.  It was time to talk, but she had lived in a state of tension and discontent for so long now, that all she wanted was to have a peaceful cup of coffee with him.  Then they could dig into the muck and mire than had become their relationship. 

“So… what kind of day do you have?”  Her attempt at polite chit chat was more suited to that of a one-night stand, she supposed, but couldn’t think of anything else to say. 

So much for tension-free.

He shrugged in response and played along with the game.  “Finishing a couple things in the studio, but not until about noon.  It should be a lighter day than yesterday.  You?”

“I never know until I check my emails if my day’s gonna be a dream or a nightmare.”

What now, Rachel?  A dissertation on the weather for the upcoming week?  Ask about his parents?

Rather than to highlight the fact that they’d all but lost the intimacy she’d once reveled in, Rachel said nothing.  An uncomfortable silence hung in the air until she finally put down her coffee and let out a weary sigh. 

She felt like they were trying to rebuild a sandcastle that had been nearly demolished by the tide.  If they got it rebuilt again, would they ever be able to think of it in the same way?  Or would every crack in the structure be a glaring reminder that it could all crumble away again, without warning?

Jon matched her sigh with an equally weary, yet understanding smile.  Hooking  his arm around her neck, pulling her against him.  “I’ll second that.  This really sucks, doesn’t it?  Where’d the easy relationship we’ve always had run off to?”

All she could do was shake her head at him, the image of a ravaged sandcastle firmly entrenched in her head. 

“I don’t have a clue.  What’s more, I don’t know where to begin to try and fix it.”  Retrieving her coffee, she motioned for him to follow her into the family room.  There, she put down the coffee and pressed the button on the gas fireplace remote.  The flames instantly came to life before she plopped down on the sofa and threw a blanket over the lower half of her body.  “I’m wondering if it can – or even should – be fixed.”

“Funny how the good times give you so much energy and the bad times suck it right out of you, isn’t it?”

He stood at the opposite end of the sofa, putting his own coffee on the end table and the look on his face made it clear that he found it anything but funny.  His features were just as somber as she was sure hers must be.

“Yeah, well…. We don’t have a problem enjoying the good times.  When we’re alone and it’s just us, it’s euphoric.  The day to day stuff is what’s doing us in.”  She drew her legs up to make room for him at the other end of the couch and, when he had settled in under the blanket with her, she then placed her legs on top of his.  “Do you ever wonder if we’ve got the stuff flings are made of instead of the stuff relationships are made of?”

It had occurred to Rachel that he’d been right all those months ago when insisting that they promise to share a bed each night.  He had contended that sex neutralized the bad and allowed them to find a way out of any discord between them and this was the proof.  Even though they’d gone for weeks without making love, their brief union last night had taken their hurt and anger down a notch, making it possible to have the conversation they were now having. 

 “No,” he chuckled, “I can’t say I ever have.”   The smile he gave her was tender... playful.  “I HAVE wondered how such a hot, sexy, beautiful woman can turn into such a difficult, stubborn beast though.” 

Her own smile was rueful.  She was woman enough to admit it, but not without making him take his share of the beast burden. “I hear ya.  I’ve wondered how such a delicious LOOKING man can leave such a bad taste in my mouth when he becomes an inconsiderate, selfish, bossy, overbearing dick.”

“It’s been a long time since I left ANYTHING in your mouth.”  His bare foot under the blanket ran inside the leg of her pajama pants and stroked her calf before returning to the serious nature of their conversation.   “I’m not sure what to say or do to put us back on track, Rach.  I’m not even sure what the root of the problem is.”

Fortunately, she thought she did.  Now she did anyway.  Careful consideration had been given to this very subject while browsing  the many antique stores during her trip to Charleston.   From what she could determine, it wasn’t insecurity, jealousy or anything along those lines.  The problem was simple, really.

“I’ve done everything I can to show you that you come first in my life, Jon – almost  from the day I met you.  When you were uncomfortable with my wedding ring around my neck, I took it off and never looked back.”  She was consciously focused on keeping her tone soft and tender, determined this conversation would not result in a fight.  “Nick’s car?  I got rid of it at the first sign you were bothered by it.  I tried to make you comfortable in my home, in my world.  I didn’t want anything to make you feel second best.”

She found it a relief that Jon’s response was equally gentle, “I’ve done that, too, Rachel.  I’ve tried to make you as comfortable as you could possibly be – in MY home, with MY family.  You can’t claim anything different.”

“But Jon, I’ve never allowed even the IMPRESSION that Nick was the priority for me…….”

“It’s hard to make a dead man a priority, Rach,” he interrupted.

She knew he wasn’t being intentionally argumentative, so it was easier to let his thoughtless response go by the wayside than to address it.

 

“You can’t say you don’t make Dorothea a priority in your life and, what’s worse,  you compare me to her.  She bleeds into every personal conversation we have.   I believe she’s a lovely woman, but you have to make some changes there.” 

His mouth opened to speak and Rachel raised her hand to stop him before he could deny it.  He had denied it for too long already.

“Let me finish.  I don’t begrudge your colorful history with her or feel threatened by the time you spend with her.  But I do resent being put on the back burner as if I don’t exist, or my feelings aren’t relevant.  And since I’m on a roll here, I may as well get this all out… I don’t care how you and she handled the decisions in your relationship, and I sure as hell don’t care how you handled your birth control decisions.  You and I have to make choices for us that work best for US – not based on what you were or weren’t willing to do with or for her.”

He sighed, rubbing his eyes, and  Rachel found herself unsure as to where this might be going.  She had tried to keep things calm, but she had to admit that she’d gotten a little hot under the collar before she could control herself. 

“Everything you and I are coming to terms with, Rachel… my only experience with these things is with her.  It’ never been my intention to compare you as women, only the circumstances.  I’m sorry.”

It was her turn to sigh.  God, she  was tired of apologies.  They’d said them so often that the words had lost the impact they once carried. “We say ‘I’m sorry’ lately more than we say ‘I love you’.

She watched as Jon wriggled himself toward her, manipulating both of their positions until he had crawled in between her and the back of the couch, pulling her against his chest. 

“I love you,” he declared, lips pressed against her temple.  “Let’s start there.  At the end of the day, Rach, I love YOU.  I don’t want to be anywhere else than with YOU.  If I’m gonna fight with somebody, I wanna do it with you.  If I’m gonna fight FOR somebody, it’s gonna be you.”

There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that Jon was being as sincere as the day was long.  And it felt so good to have him wrap his arms around her.   The allure of him was almost more than she could take…

But there were still so many things they needed to talk about.  They didn’t dare stop now, or they would never get this finished.

“I’m not used to the fighting, Jon.   It breaks my heart, it leaves me feeling beaten up….it makes me resentful and angry.  This is just so foreign to me.  It isn’t how Nick and I related to each other at all.”

“Ah ha!  See?  You did it, too!”  He squeezed his arms around her, playfully chastising.  “You brought up Saint Nick!  I believe you were just telling me you didn’t care how Dorothea and I handled things.  You said that we have our own relationship and you didn’t want me using Dorothea as an example.”

She really was only playing when she jabbed her elbow into his ribs and rolled her eyes.  “My point was only that I’m not used to the fighting because Nick and I didn’t fight much.”

“Mmk… You justify it any old way you want to, but you just did the very thing that makes you so mad when I do it.”

He might have a valid point.  She supposed she could concede that one, tiny detail.  “Maybe, but do you really believe I’m trying to deceive you and get pregnant?” 

“No.  I overreacted and I’m sorry for saying that.”

His simple explanation and apology should have been enough, but it hit her the wrong way and she stiffened in his embrace and tried to pull away.  He had crushed her with his rage and the accusations that she was trying to ‘slip a love child in’ on him.  It was such a low thing to say and it still stung that he could possibly think that way about her. 

“JON!  Saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t undo ANYTHING!  That’s a big part of our problem.  You throw a fit and then think you can just apologize- ”

He didn’t let her finish before he interrupted, raising his voice to the volume, if not the high pitch, of hers.

“Jesus Rachel!  Will you let me finish before you jump off the deep end??  As far as I’m concerned, you flipping out every time I do something wrong is a big part of our problem.  At least I’m willing to acknowledge AND APOLOGIZE for my stupid shit!  I’m gonna make mistakes.  Newsflash, honey… you do, too.  And apologizing might not be such a bad idea for YOU to entertain once in a while .”

“Yeah, but you throw that out there  - that I’m trying to get pregnant without your consent.  It was a low blow, Jon.”

“I had an irrational response to the panic of realizing - for the first time I might add - that we’ve been fucking like two horny teenagers anywhere, everywhere and every chance we get for months without ANY birth control.  In MY world, Rachel, that leads to pregnancy!” 

The tone of his own voice must have pierced his consciousness, because she could actually see the switch flip in his head.  He knew this was about to blow up into another brawl… and it was obvious he didn’t want that any more than she did.  He lowered his voice and took a deep breath, carefully locking his arms around her once again.  “Maybe you should tell me what it means in YOUR world so I can understand why you’re so blasé about not being on the Pill.”

If he’d only asked that question to start with...

“It’s simple, really.  Like I said, both of my kids had to be conceived in a doctor’s office by in vitro.  It took years of attempts for both of them and we were on the most aggressive fertility drugs of the day.   The only conclusive reason they came up with was that I had ‘non-specific infertility’”. 

“I get that.  But why be so resistant to going on the Pill if it gives me some peace of mind?”

“C’mon, Jon.”  She squirmed against his arms again twisting toward them until they loosened.  “You’ve seen the way I take care of myself.  I’m very careful and selective, most of the time, of what I put in my body.  What’s the point of running and working out like a wild woman, eating organic this and that, drinking the gazillion bottles of water that I drink every day if I’m willing to put all those hormones in my body?  The Pill is more than birth control; it has tons of side effects and increases some cancer risks.  And before you ask, I don’t like the IUD, and the shot has side effects, too.   You can’t expect me to do that when you’re not willing to take care of the matter on your end.   As far as I’m concerned, this is your issue… not mine.”

“I get that – I really do – and  I know they say a vasectomy is no big deal...  But I just can’t do it.”

The combination of imagined pain and squeamishness on his face almost made her feel sorry for him. 

Almost.

“No birth control is 100%, Jon.  If you’re having sex you’d better be prepared to face the consequences like an adult.   I would never betray you in such a deceitful way as trying to have a baby without your agreeing to it.   I need to know that you know that.”

For the remainder of the morning, he did just that.  He assured her in a dozen different ways.  His words, his touch and the way he made love to her in front of the fire all told her he loved and trusted her.  

There was no reason not to believe him, but there was still an unsettled feeling deep inside her mind, body and heart.  Despite all those assurances, she still felt like she was on one side of a deep ravine while he was on the other.  And the bridge that spanned the gap? It was broken and tattered, hanging by a thread.