Chapter Forty Eight

Three weeks later…..

Keys in hand, Rachel stood on the porch to wave her sister Robin off and then with a weary sigh turned to slot the now unfamiliar key into the lock of the front door. When she’d gotten the call to say Nick’s father had passed away, returning to California for the funeral was the right thing to do, despite the fact she had despised the man. Leaving her bag at the door, she stepped over the small pile of junk mail and punched the code in to disable the bleeping alarm.

Silence descended around her as she stood in the hallway gazing around at what was once her home, the shadows lurking in the corners like ghosts beckoning from the past. Taking a deep breath she wandered slowly through to the kitchen, pausing at the threshold to trace a finger along the deep etchings carved into the woodwork that had marked the kid’s birthdays every year. She’d gone crazy at the time, thinking Nick was raving mad to vandalize what was their brand new home, but over the years she’d loved watching how excited the kids were to see how tall they’d grown.

Moving through to the kitchen, she pulled open the blinds to let in the late afternoon light, the sparse counter tops devoid of any sign of normal family life. Everything was meticulously clean, the woman she employed to keep an eye on the place did a great job but it was almost sterile looking, no sticky finger marks or crumbs to fuss over. Setting her keys beside the microwave, she wandered on to the family room encased in darkness from the heavy curtains designed to keep sunlight damage to a minimum. She flicked on the soft overhead spotlights set into the beams that ran the length of the ceiling and let her eyes travel from the well-worn leather sofas set in front of the brick fireplace over to the corner where Nick’s overstuffed leather chair still sat with its scuffed Ottoman in place. Rachel stared at it for a moment as images of him sitting in it laughing at her over his newspaper swam before her eyes, she could almost sense him…….

The air around her suddenly became suffocating and she abruptly flicked the light off and watched as the room fell into darkness once more. Turning on her heels, she pulled the door firmly shut and went to retrieve her bag from the front porch. She was starting to think coming here had been a mistake, nothing felt right any more.

Framed photographs of the children floated past her as she took the stairs up to the master bedroom where more ghosts waited to welcome her, the large silver framed wedding picture catching her eye the moment she swung the door in. Despair and anger welled within her, how could she move on...how could she ever be happy again when the past lurked so vividly before her?  Leaving her case in the doorway, she turned and fled back down the staircase before she could change her mind. Back in the kitchen, she scrabbled to find the set of keys she had left hidden in a cupboard and breathed a sigh of relief when her fingers clasped the plastic fob of the car key.

It was time to make some changes.

Hours later and after a delicious dinner at her parent’s home, Rachel finally returned to the house she had once called home, now swathed in darkness by the late hour. Flicking on the porch light and setting the alarm to night mode, she headed back upstairs only pausing to collect her suitcase from the still open door of the master bedroom before she swung the door of Lauren’s room open. Decorated in soft lavender pastels, the walls glowed warmly when she flicked on the bedside lamp and sank down onto the deep duvet that hung neatly over the bed. She had slept in here for many nights after the accident, seeking comfort in clutching the vast array of teddy bears and soft toys that Lauren had collected since she was a toddler. Reaching behind her, Rachel lifted one particular tatty looking brown bear and gently ran her fingers over its frayed ears. He had been a gift when Lauren was born and one that her daughter had adored even as she’d gotten older and moved onto less childish items.

“Hey there old friend.”

She smiled softly as the bear stared silently back up at her, her face reflected in his shiny brown eyes. Brownie had seen it all, maybe it was time for him to see another part of the world and move back East with her. Setting the bear back onto the bed and stifling a yawn, she jumped in surprise as her cell began to vibrate in her pocket with an incoming call. It was after two am and there was only one person she could think of who’d be calling her at this late hour. Smiling happily at the caller id as she pulled it out of her pocket, she pressed the button to accept the call and relaxed back against the headboard.

“Hey….”

“Did I wake you?”

The soft honey tone of Jon’s voice instantly made her relax and she sighed softly as she felt the tension of the past day seep from her body.

“No but I wouldn’t have minded if you did.”

“ I've been lying here for the last two hours and can’t go back asleep, I've come to the conclusion I have too much room in the bed when you’re not here.”

Images of where he was floated through Rachel’s brain and she couldn't help but wish she was there beside him. “Well, you’re doing better than me….. I haven’t been able to wind down at all, still haven’t gone to bed.”

“What’s going on over there, you okay?”

“ I'm just a little wired I guess, it’s been a busy day.”

“Are you alone?”

Rachel rolled her eyes at the insanity of his innocently put question; somehow he could always make her smile without even realising it. “No Einstein, I've got my California boy toy over here with me! Of course I'm alone….”

Grinning widely, she snuggled deeper against the soft duvet. “……wow, when the best part of your day is a middle of the night call from your favourite guitar player that’s really saying something!”

Jon chuckled softly down the line, concern still lining his tired voice.

“Glad to hear it……rough day huh?”

“Mmm…..being back here is…..it feels different….. different than in New Jersey but kinda the same as it felt when I left – suffocating.”

“But you’re doin okay?”

Sighing Rachel paused to think about the emotions she had fought with all day. “Yeah I'm doing okay I guess…….but the truth is this place just doesn't feel like ‘me’ any more.”

“Meaning?”

“There’s a line from an old Rascal Flatt song that just keeps lingering in my head, ‘I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong’….. I'm happy to see my family of course but I'm so damn wound up I can’t wait to get out of here. I feel like an outsider, it just isn't home now. I don’t know exactly where I do belong but I know it’s not here.”

“Remember when you told me home is that safe place you land when the world is kicking your ass? Well you do what you gotta do, get outta there and come home…to me…..okay?”

The reassurance in his words flowed like a warm tonic through Rachel’s tired brain – he was right. Letting her eyes drift shut, she kicked off her shoes and nestled comfortably back against the collection of cuddly toys. Sleep was only moments away as she whispered down the phone to him.

“Just as soon as I can……the minute I can…..I’ll be home.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following morning found Rachel in a much better frame of mind, somehow even the house seemed brighter and more alive as the aroma of freshly brewed coffee wafted through from the kitchen. Perched on a bar stool, she reflected on the real reason she was here as she buttered a slice of toast. She enjoyed Nick’s family, they were good people with the exception of his now recently deceased father. Mr Braden had never warmed to her, always making life difficult and going out of his way to be purposely unkind. She never really had figured out what it was about her that had so obviously bothered him but then again she had never cared enough to find out. Nick had been nothing like his father, in looks or personality which she had ceaselessly reminded him of.

Munching on her toast and with a mug of steaming coffee in one hand, she slipped off the stool and padded in her bare feet through to the family room. Entering this time without a shudder of dread, she swept back the heavy curtains and looked around her as the vibrant, early morning sunshine flooded the room. Flecks of dust floated through the air, highlighted in the streams of light that bounced off the trophy cabinet on the far wall. Lauren’s collection of towering cheerleading trophies still stood proudly in place, surrounded by what had once been Tyler’s growing collection of karate medals and awards. Rachel hadn't been too keen on the idea of her little boy bouncing around flinging potentially injury inducing kicks to other kids when he had first started to learn but when she witnessed the obvious talent he had for it, she’d relented and actually quite enjoyed going to watch his matches. Turning her attention to the bookshelves, she let her eyes wander over Nick’s huge selection of music – she was sure they could have bought a holiday home in Hawaii with the amount of money he’d spent on his collection over the years. Chewing the last of the toast, she hunkered down to flick her fingers through the CD cases, mostly bands she’d never heard of but that Nick had spent hours listening to on his headphones in his leather armchair. About to stand up, she froze when her finger landed on one with a name she instantly recognised.

“Well, well!”

Grinning she pulled it from the shelf and popped the disc from its case to set it into the stereo system, shaking her head with a laugh when a familiar voice came pounding out from the speakers.

‘Why you wanna tell me how to live my life…………..and who are you to tell me if it’s black or white…..’

Turning the volume up, she grabbed the cd case and headed back to the kitchen to snap a photo of the cover art with her phone. With an amused smirk she tapped out a message to accompany it and sent it onto Jon.

Look what I found in my CD collection! There’s no getting away from you! Have A Nice Day blaring proudly from my stereo – impressed?

Still grinning she set the phone down and turned to power up her laptop on the kitchen table. One of the advantages to her position in the bank was that so much of her work could be done via the internet from virtually anywhere in the world and given the time difference between the East and West coasts she needed to see what kind of chaos had ensued since business hours began in New York. Before she could get her email opened, her phone bleeped with a text message.

Your taste in music is as impeccable as your taste in men – miss me??

Tongue firmly in cheek, she replied with lightning speed, her fingers dancing over the keys.

I miss some parts of you more than others….. : ) xx

The reply that followed instantly made her snort in amusement, her eyes rolling at the playful banter.

We miss a certain part of YOU too – hurry home before I gotta take matters into my own hands ;)

Gazing out the back window to the back yard where so many happy hours had been spent with her family, Rachel sighed softly. Life had been good here, idyllic in fact but it was time to move onto her new life while it was still waiting for her ……… in New Jersey.