Chapter 86 ~ Conclusion

Rachel spun the handle far enough to encourage piping hot water into the shower, dialing back just enough to keep from scalding herself.  Not that she would even notice it on this morning after.  The best she could hope for was for the water to fill the void inside her, because nothing about their last night together had been particularly satisfying or fulfilling.

It was almost as if they were just shells of themselves – there were no wild sexual antics, no twisted positions, no sweat-drenched bodies.  There was very little talking even. 

They went through the motions that should have given them satisfaction – touching, stroking and kissing virtually every inch of each other’s bodies – yet the overwhelming tone of the night wasn’t lust, but desperation.   It wasn’t to say that they didn’t complete the act.  They made love many times that night and into the early morning hours.  Each and every time he reached for her or she reached for him, Rachel sought to find something that felt like it was ‘enough’. 

Something that would quench their mutual need and desire. 

Something that would finally feel like it put a ‘period’ on this relationship, so that they both felt right in letting go and moving on without each other. 

Amid the intense search for that point of finality, they’d barely broken eye contact and there wasn’t a single moment their bodies weren’t wound around each other.  They couldn’t find a way to get close enough, deep enough, or passionate enough, but it didn’t stop them from trying.

To say it had been a gut-wrenching night would be the understatement of the century.

The only thing she could liken it to was being diagnosed with a terminal illness.  When handed a death sentence, you know logically there is no hope, but there is still some dumb, eternally optimistic part of yourself that can't help but cling to the notion that happily-ever-after might come with the morning sun.

The only thing that came with the sunrise for Rachel was exhaustion, while Jon seemed more irritable than anything.  Both made sense considering how extreme the emotions of the last twelve hours had been.  They  were so completely focused on each other that they hadn’t stopped to eat or even take in water, leaving them no better off physically than they were emotionally.

The hot spray of the shower was soothing to her aching body the instant she stepped under it, and she simply stood there for a long moment, letting it run down her back.  Just as it worked its way down to her hips and thighs, the shower door opened with a soft click. 

Any remaining aches were forgotten the minute he put his hands on her.

Every touch brought an even greater need for one ‘last’ touch.  Every kiss escalated her desire for just one more ‘last’ kiss.  One more ‘last’ bit of perfection.  But when the physical release came, it only left her wanting more and, from the way Jon stepped out of the shower without a word, he wasn’t feeling any better about it than she was.

That was when Rachel finally acknowledged this wasn’t ever going to feel ‘finished’.  It would never be enough and they were fools to keep searching for closure within one another.  The healing wouldn’t begin, for either of them, until they had truly gone their separate ways. 

After turning the faucet off and wringing out her hair, she emerged from the shower and wrapped a towel around herself. Second nature had her opening the drawer that contained Q-tips and she was stunned to find her toothbrush and other personal items still co-mingled in with his.  

Like her, he hadn’t had the heart to completely remove her from his life, let alone the ordinary drawer they’d shared.   Something about the implied intimacy of their two toothbrushes lying side by side in that drawer struck a chord deep inside her.   How on earth could two people who loved each other as much as she and Jon obviously did leave each other? 

Rachel knew emotion and exhaustion were getting the better of her.  Her decision to leave Jon and go back to California wasn’t based on how she felt, it was based on careful, rational consideration.   It was the sound choice.  Nothing had changed except that now, the reality was closing in on her.  Unfortunately reality brought with it a panic she hadn’t felt since the accident that stole Nick, Lauren and Tyler from her.  

If she didn’t leave now, she didn’t think she’d have the strength to ever leave, and she had to so that they didn’t end up hating one another.  She loved him too much for that.

Tossing the Q-tip in the wastebasket, she avoided meeting his eyes in the vanity mirror as they stood side-by-side.  It would be easiest not to look at him, she thought as she took a quiet breath and pushed doggedly forward.

“Have you made flight arrangements for me, yet?  I can still take a commercial flight if it’s easier…” Her voice trailed away thinly, put off by the tensing of Jon’s shoulders.  His irritability was clearly manifested in the sharp huff of breath, the clatter of his hairbrush dropping into the drawer, and its subsequent slamming shut before he stalked off without a word.

Rachel sighed quietly.

As though it’s not hard enough already, he's going to make it worse.

After she’d finished dressing, she found him in the kitchen, talking on the phone.  That wasn’t unusual, since he had always been on the phone, but this call mattered to her in a way none of his others had.  This call was to confirm that his plane would be ready to take Rachel away from the place where they’d built a home together.    

His voice had been clipped and sharp while on the phone, and it wasn’t any less edgy when he hung up and turned his attention to her. 

“Plane will be ready in a couple hours.  You want some breakfast?” 

Rachel didn’t think she could swallow a morsel, let alone keep it down.  “No.  Thanks.” 

“You need to eat something.  Toast at least.”

“I’m fine.”

He threw a fierce scowl in her direction and spun on his heel, taking two giant steps toward the refrigerator and jerking on the handle.  “Why does everything have to be a battle with you Rachel??  Eat some goddamn food for crying out loud!”

She leaned against the counter, her arms lapped protectively around her waist and watched the muscles of his bare back work as he rummaged in the refrigerator.  “Don’t make me regret staying here last night.  Please?” she beseeched quietly and received an intelligible grunt for a response. “I’ll grab something on the way to the plane. I have to turn my car in at the dealership anyway.”

“I’m driving you to the airport.  I’ll make arrangements for your car.”  He didn’t even give her a cursory glance.  Instead, he pulled the bowl of eggs from the shelf and loudly set them on the counter before turning to extract some other odds and ends.  Rachel couldn’t tell what all he was setting out, and she wasn’t sure he knew, either.   He just seemed determined not to look at her. 

“I don’t wanna do that….”

“Didn’t ask you what you wanted, Rachel,” he interrupted, closing the stainless steel door shut with a jarring slam.  “That’s just the way it’s gonna be.”

She knew he was hurting as much as she was and, in classic Jon fashion, it spewed forth in the form of anger.  Knowing he could be like a petulant little boy when he was in pain, it didn’t even offend her.  It only made her step to the counter where he was making coffee and wrap her arms around him in some semblance of comfort. 

“I thought we agreed not to do the big goodbye thing at the airport?”

He continued making coffee without responding to her touch at all.  “Whatever.   I’m still driving you.”

She positioned her hands at the sides of his waist and turned him around to face her.  As she did, he crossed his arms in front of him, but she simply uncrossed them to to get closer. 

“This is killing me, Jon.  Don’t make me feel like I’m spending our last morning together with a man I’ve never met.”

His eyes were a crisp, icy blue – still beautiful but lacking the warmth she was used to seeing in them.  He wiped the corners of his mouth, another classic move when he was stalling to consider his response.   “Why don’t you start something for breakfast and I’ll finish the coffee?”

When Jon took her by shoulders and stepped her backward so that he could turn his back to her, Rachel felt like he’d stabbed her heart with a knife.  The way things had turned out between them was already unbearable, but to have this last morning so tense and cold...  It was devastating – almost like the love he’d once felt for her had been completely drained away and replaced with pure hatred.  She couldn’t help but wonder if he wished he’d never met her.  

Suddenly it became very important for her to know if that were true.

She sidestepped him, placing her hand on the arm that was flipping dials on the barista machine, forcing him to turn and look at her.  “If you had it to do all over…. would you?  I mean, that day on the road when you saw me stuck at the gates… if you’d known then how it would all end… Would you still stop?  Honestly.”

Jon could see his own hurt mirrored in her eyes.  He could hear it in her voice and it made him feel like a class-A jackass for the way he was acting.  It wasn’t all about him.  Even though she was the one leaving, she needed to know THAT was his only regret.  She deserved to know that.

He remembered the day he first laid eyes on her as if it were this morning.  He wouldn’t have missed the past year with her for anything in the world.  Even if he’d known how much it would hurt to lose her, he’d do it all the same.  No doubt about it. 

“Yeah.  I’d still stop.”  He took a deep breath, exhaled it and wrapped his arms around her waist.  She relaxed against him enough for him to drop a whisper of a kiss to her mouth.  “And I’d have done a better job of loving you along the way.”

Rachel’s arms wound around his neck, returning the kiss.  “You did a beautiful job of loving me… all along the way.  I never doubted that you loved me, Jon.  Never for a moment.”

His hands naturally just slid down her back and rested on her behind.  No matter what had happened, he couldn’t completely let her go.  He had to leave a lifeline out there and hope that maybe someday – before he worked himself into the grave – she’d use it.

“Rach… No matter where you go or what you do with your life, if you ever change your mind… all you have to do is call.  If you ever wanna come home, I’ll come and get you...  No questions asked.”

Her soft smile and nod gave him the only sliver of peace he’d known in the last twelve hours.

                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The drive to the airport was intense, yet quiet with a blanket of unspoken emotion filling the car.  But what was left to say?  As had always been, Jon and Rachel had a telepathic language all their own and they used it now. 

They didn’t need words to express their enduring love.  They didn’t need to verbally acknowledge or accept what was the seemingly unavoidable end.  They just absorbed one another’s presence, storing it up for the long days and nights ahead – when they couldn’t find it by just looking across the lawn.

As they approached the VIP terminal, the sun glinted off the jet’s portal windows.  It was sitting in plain view, ready right on time as the pilot had promised, but the sight of it had Rachel’s stomach lurching. 

It was at that exact moment that Jon’s hand squeezed hers.  Did he have any idea how despondent she felt on the inside? 

Jon was struggling to keep his pride in check as he put the car in ‘park’.  He’d thought for sure if he could just get Rachel to stay the night she wouldn’t be able to leave him.  But she had.  She was.

His thoughts were interrupted by the loud metallic click of Rachel’s seatbelt being released.  That was immediately followed by the muffled greetings of  the approaching flight crew member sent to handle Rachel’s two suitcases. 

He had no choice but to open his own door and flick the button that would send the cargo compartment door gliding upward.

When the bags had been retrieved and handed off to the crew, Jon closed the tailgate and walked around to where she still stood beside the passenger door, staring after her luggage.  Circling around her right side, he planted his feet in front of hers, brought his hands to rest atop her shoulders and dropped a kiss onto the top of her head.

 He could see the tears running down her face – the dark sunglasses weren’t nearly enough to hide them  – but words escaped him.  Pride beat down the voices shouting in his head to beg her to stay by  reminding him of his vow to never plead with a woman as he had his former wife.  No matter how much he loved her, he couldn’t make himself beg.  Wouldn’t.

 “Alright, Bongiovi...”  Her chin firmed as she tipped it up to him, squaring her shoulders in the process.  “Let’s rip this band-aid off fast.  I’m gonna give you a quick hug and kiss and then you’re gonna leave.  I don’t want to look back and see you sitting here while I take off.  Now c’mere you handsome thing.”

She stepped closer and cupped her hand around the base of his neck, giving him a quick and impersonal kiss.  It had no more registered on his lips, when she stepped back just as quickly, her business smile plastered on her face. 

“Now show me that mega-watt smile everybody always talks about.”

He’d heard her use the exact same tone with her investors time and time again – polite, professional and detached.  She had mentally and emotionally checked out on him.

His Rachel had left the building.

Jon didn’t know if he said anything before she turned and made her way to the aircraft.  He just stood there, unmoving, trying vainly to imagine a life without her in it.

Rachel knew getting on that plane in one piece would be a miracle.  She couldn’t do another exchange without completely losing it and, when she got about halfway to the stairs, she silently begged him not to say a word.  It was her hope that the roaring jet engines could carry her away before she changed her mind.

“RACHEL!”

She had climbed as high as the third step before his multi-million dollar voice rose above the sound of the idling plane.

Son. Of. A. Bitch!

She froze, her foot hovering briefly above that fourth stair before it came down and she clenched her eyes shut.  She knew she couldn’t be merciless enough to just ignore him, even if it would make her pain a little more sufferable. 

By the time she had turned to the sound of his voice, he had already covered half the distance between her and the SUV.  She descended two steps before he reached the bottom of the stairs, bringing them eye to eye.  

Rachel forced a tight smile and pushed the sunglasses up higher on the bridge of her nose.   “You’re killin’ me here, Bongiovi!”

  

“I didn’t ask before, because I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.  But now...  I have to.”  His eyes were covered with sunglasses, the same as hers, but the lower half of his face was a series of granite lines, chiseled with solemnity.  “What about you, Rachel?  Would you do it all again?”

How could he even doubt it?  He had brought her back to life.  How could he not know that?  When she was nothing but a shell of a woman, he found a way to heal her devastated soul and make her feel again.  She may not want to feel like this, in this moment, but the other feelings he’d given her – the good ones...  They were enough to unfreeze her from the zombie-like state she’d been living in since she lost her family.  She would still be that zombie if it weren’t for him. 

Even with all they’d been through, Jon would always be the love of her life,  The memories of their time together would become sacred and keep her heart warm and beating instead of cold and brittle – for the rest of her life.

“Yeah, baby,” she told him through a tear-clogged throat.  “I’d do it again.  Twice.” Rachel reached for his hand, hooking her little finger tightly into his and squeezed.  “Pinky swear.”

Then, unable to see through the moisture swimming in her eyes, she blindly lifted their joined fingers to her lips one final time.  With a lingering kiss on his knuckle, she gently untwined their pinkies and turned away.

Rachel climbed the stairs that led to her future knowing that, even though she was leaving Jon behind...  he would always be with her.




Author's Note ~~

Thanks to our long-suffering readers who hung in there when life had its way with us and kept our posts from being quite so regular.  

We hope you've enjoyed the story as much as we have!   Be sure to pop in and say hi from time to time!  You can follow us both on Twitter and Audra on Facebook.  

XOX0~

Audra & Em

8/9/17 ~ UPDATE:  As it turns out, this isn't the end for Jon and Rachel. Check out what's been happening with them in the sequel!

http://afteralljbjfanfic.blogspot.com/2014/04/coming-soon.html