Chapter 70

Turks and Caicos could quite possibly be his new favorite place, Jon mused as he pretended to read a book while baking himself in the tropical sun.  

After the hectic week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve had given him little time with Rachel for talk, let alone anything else, he had been happy spending the two-hour flight doing nothing but chatting and holding hands.  The only thing better than catching up with her had been watching the water out the window of the aircraft turn more and more blue as they made their way toward paradise.  Luck had been on their side and they were on the ground with plenty of time to spare for an intimate sunset celebration to ring in the new year. 

Eager to get this vacation officially underway, they wasted no time in getting to their accommodations.  ‘Spectacular’ was the only way to describe the house Rachel had rented for them.  The pictures they’d seen couldn't begin to do justice to the place.   

The property was located on a private tip of the island which made the views fantastic from every room in the house.  It was surrounded on three sides by the exquisite turquoise waters the area was famous for and the fourth side was a private, gated road.  It ensured that the open ocean would be their only neighbor for the week-long stay and left them completely isolated from the rest of the world 

That was the best part, in his opinion.

The only difference of opinion they found themselves with was whether to unpack or not.  Jon was used to living out of a suitcase and thereby, felt no compulsion to sort his few clothes and put them away.  Rachel on the other hand, needed neat and tidy order before she could relax.  

Once their things had been put away, travelling clothes were replaced with swimsuits.  There was very little deliberation before the pair chose the most secluded of the three beaches for their inaugural vacation sunning.  The lounge chairs that they were currently ensconced in had been entirely too inviting to resist.

That had been nearly an hour ago and during that time, the surf had provided the perfect beachside soundtrack.  Their relationship had moved beyond a lot of meaningless small talk, the silence was comfortable between them.  

Rachel let out a low moan and Jon couldn't suppress his grin.  He knew how she loved the sun, having once described the feeling as an erotic massage all over her body.  He watched a tiny drop of sweat as it ran down her stomach and disappeared into her bikini. 

Book forgotten, he turned to his side and slid his hand across her abdomen, fingertips tracing the elastic rim of her bathing suit bottoms.  “You look good enough to eat.  Feel like heading inside and foolin’ around a little?”

“You have a ravenous appetite for sex,” she observed lazily.

“I’m a man.  It comes with the territory.”

With a softly exhaled breath, Rachel turned on her side to face him and his hand shifted to her hip in the process.  “I'm curious.  All the time you spend on the road alone… what do you do for sex?  I mean, it’s obvious you turn into a grouchy ass if you go more than a couple days without it.  Your  hotel porn bill must've been outrageous.”

“I'm in a rock band, babe.  Sex on the road isn't hard to come by.  Just the opposite.  It’s hard to escape.”

“Do you just take random women back to your room and spend the night with them?”

“That was pretty rare.”  The tone of the conversation wasn't accusatory, so Jon was perfectly comfortable talking about the subject with her.  It was one of the things that he thought most remarkable about their relationship – the fact that they could discuss his history with women and she was completely unthreatened.  “If I’m gonna be brutally honest, there are plenty of women who will do anything they have to just for the privilege of meeting the guys in the band.  Blowjobs are a dime a dozen in that crowd.”

“And is that enough to tide you over?”

From the tone of her voice, there was a specific question on his girl’s mind.  Jon knew that much, but so far he hadn’t quite figured out what it was.  “Wanna tell me what this is really about?”

“Like I said, you need sex like most people need water.  I guess I'm just wondering what you'll do when you're on tour and I'm at home.”

“Ah-ha!  I knew there was another hidden question in there.”  Jon levered up and leaned over to place a soft kiss on her mouth while patting her hip.  “Look... at the end of the day, if I wanted to screw around on you,  I could.  So could you, for that matter.”  Tracing the outer rim of her belly button with his thumb his voice became quieter and serious. “It comes down to trust.  We've talked about my weakness with women and  you know all about my past.  If I’m having a weak moment, I know I can be honest with you and not worry about some big scene between us.”

“But that’s not the same thing as being together.”    

“No.  But I'm only gone a few weeks at a time and then I’m home for a week or so.  You'll be able to join me some and in between visits,” he chuckled. “I'll let you talk dirty to me on the phone and Skype.  Technology will keep us connected.  ”

Her fingers entwined with those of his resting on her hip.  “I… I just want to know that we're on the same page, ya know?  Building an actual life together.  I don't want to be the dumb girlfriend in the dark back home while orgies are a nightly ritual out on the road.”  Rachel didn’t give him a chance to respond, choosing instead to flop to her back to end the conversation.  “I'm gonna doze for a few more minutes.  I just love the way the sun feels…”

Jon watched as she wiggled into a comfortable position, wondering if he'd been dismissed or she just wasn't in a talking mood.  Was she actually questioning his commitment to her?  He'd given her a key to his house and cleared out half the closet for her.  They shared a bed every night that his kids weren't around.  How could she not know he was serious about her?  He'd told her time and time again. 

Rachel’s words from their previous conversation about commitment scattered through his head. 

“Being committed to somebody is all well and fine….but at the end of the day if you don't have marriage to tie it all up, what keeps you from throwing your hands in the air and walking away when things get tough?  To me, that piece of paper says ‘we started this, we'll finish it… a deal’s a deal.    It’s more than paper…it’s a contract.  You and I deal with contracts all day long….because a verbal agreement doesn’t mean shit when people get mad and decide they want out of a deal.  What keeps a lot of business deals together IS that contract – that piece of paper.”  

Jon realized that she didn’t see his commitment to her the way he did.  To her, without marriage binding them together, there were questions – questions about what to expect from him in the form of fidelity. 

Marriage.  Again? 

He hadn’t been very good at it.  He'd loved Dorothea and their kids and loved their life, but everything that marriage was supposed to be?  He sucked at it.  He wasn't really a partner to Dorothea.  He was gone all the time.  Sometimes he was gone even when he didn’t really have to be.  He liked knowing he had her to come home to – something  normal and stable – but  he couldn't live that way 100% of the time.  He got too restless. 

Fidelity? 

He sucked at that, too.  Getting older hadn’t really lessened his desire for variety, particularly when it was dangled in front of him everywhere he went.  He was plenty discreet about his frequent encounters and had always been – well, mostly – careful about protecting himself and Dorothea. 

Marriage was supposed to be putting the other person first.  He'd always put himself first, without apology.  But the truth was that there was always an underlying sense of guilt and he hated the guilt.  He associated marriage WITH guilt – guilt at being a shitty husband. 

He watched as Rachel lifted one toned arm to arc gracefully over the top of her head. 

She was beyond attractive, with a truly admirable body.  But the reality was that he'd been with women who were much more physically beautiful and with more perfect bodies. 

His lusty attraction to her wasn't what kept him intrigued.  She was smart, witty... Her sense of humor was one of his favorite things about her.  It brought a playfulness into his life he hadn’t really had before Rachel.

Staring up at the startling blue sky, Jon tried to trace back exactly when it was that she got under his skin. 

He thought about the morning after their first night together, when Alice had brought him Rachel’s broken necklace with the wedding rings.  He hadn’t recognized what was going on inside him that morning, but he could see it plainly now.  He'd assumed she was married – that she was another man’s.  It had driven him crazy, even then, to think of her wrapped around another man.  That’s why he'd reacted to her in such a hateful, spiteful way.  He'd been nothing short of mean and cruel. 

He thought of the way she had supported him when he found out about the problems with the Philly Soul.  The  way she showed her love.  Rachel didn’t have to say it.  He had felt it even in the very early days of their relationship. 

She challenged him that much was for sure.  That trait turned him on as much as anything else about her.   She was calm and made him feel calm.  Maybe, most of all, she wasn't distracted by his public persona.  In Rachel’s eyes, he was just the guy next door.  The neighbor who happened to turn her on and make her happy.

God love her, she had spent untold amounts of money to trying to give him something.  Not to impress him, but to indulge him.  What had he given her, really?  Not much.  Expensive lingerie, keys to a couple houses, private air travel.  Material things. 

What had she wanted?  A whole, complete life.  Marriage, kids and to be a family with him – to be family for him.  She'd given up on the idea of more children because he didn’t want more, affirming he was enough.  That was all she'd wanted.  Him.

Watching her breasts rise and fall beneath the silky cups of her bikini with her arm slung lazily over her head, at that moment she ceased to be a woman in the sexual sense to him.  She was just simply his.

The fact that he was enough for her made the idea of marriage somehow less terrifying and claustrophobic.  She had once told him this relationship was the scariest thing she'd ever done and the truth was, it wasn't much different for him. 

He tried to let on like he had all the answers with his displays of bravado but it was Rachel who had shown all the courage in their relationship.  He insisted she needed to have faith and jump off that ledge into his world when the truth of the matter was that he hadn’t even approached the ledge.

“Rach?”

She wiggled her hips into the lounger as she stirred from her little catnap.  “Hmm?”

Jon didn’t remember feeling quite so awkward or nervous since his high school days. 

“If it were us – ya  know, you and me – and  it was important to you… Well…”  Gulp.  “I could do marriage.  With you, I mean.”

If Rachel opened her eyes, he couldn't see it through her sunglasses.  The only that indicated she'd even heard him was a very slight  nod.  He might not have even seen that nod.  Had he imagined it?

“Rach?  Did you hear me?”

The arm that was slung over her head moved.  It lifted slowly, her fingers bridging the scant inches that separated their chairs and coming to rest on his bare thigh.   

It was one of those freakish moments for Jon that had happened more than once since he'd met Rachel.  Sometimes all it took was a touch for them to communicate their thoughts.  It was intense and bordered on spiritual.  Her mere touch was enough to erase the jitters that’d had him stuttering his hypothetical offer and could feel the power of ‘them’ when her fingers squeezed just slightly on his leg, saying very softly,

“I heard you, babe.”