Chapter Fifty Three

The vacant space in the bed beside him, although still somewhat warm, dragged Jon reluctantly from his deep slumber as his arm searched unconsciously for Rachel’s familiar frame. Groaning softly when his arm made a clean sweep of the mattress in a fruitless search, he flopped over onto his belly and burrowed deeper into the pillow while his brain slowly flickered to life. Waking up in a bed with Rachel’s side empty and cold was not how he had planned on starting the day. He much preferred having her warm and willing body wound around him to accept his faithful morning hard on. The only upside to being alone was the opportunity to recall every detail of the previous night’s encounter without getting distracted by his morning playmate’s pawing at him, replacing the old memories with new ones.

Rachel was a morning sex kind of girl. Sex and coffee were certain to put a smile on her face, and it didn't seem to matter which order they came in. He liked that little habit of hers a lot. If she had gotten up early enough to forego her morning fix Jon wondered what kind of mood she might be in. Last night she had finally given herself completely and totally to him and rolling onto his back to stare up at the ceiling he rubbed the stubble on his chin, grinning at the recollection. Rachel was not one to quickly let her guard down, neither was he, so that was easy for him to relate to. He was getting turned on just remembering how lost she got during their sexcapades last night, so lost in fact that she told him her most guarded thoughts and feelings. 

But babies? 

His pleasant grin was replaced with a slight frown at the thought of Rachel wanting children. With him, or by him. Whatever. 

His four children were the most cherished people in his life and he loved having children. He enjoyed kids…his and a few that belonged to friends or family. But he’d thought he was long done having babies. The subject was one he had intentionally asked her about while they were vacationing in the Hamptons, early in their relationship. Rachel had told him no, that the time for her to have children was long past but her highly aroused state last night had given him a different answer. However, that aroused state had also allowed her to admit she loved him.

Jon couldn't blame her for wanting more children under her circumstances. He was certain she was a natural at motherhood, and to have lost not only her husband but both children in one horrific accident…well, he knew he would be a total ass to deprive her of that. He’d do anything to make her happy or ease her loss.

BUT BABIES?  SOOO not on the agenda.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only thing Rachel enjoyed more than coffee and CNN to start her day was coffee and sex to start her day. This morning she’d had to settle for CNN and the stock reports while she sipped coffee at the kitchen breakfast bar and looked over emails on her laptop. Last night’s festivities had been exhausting. Physically and emotionally. Sexually satisfying, certainly…that was nothing new. She had a sexual chemistry with Jon that any college co-ed would be envious of. 

Letting go of herself to fully accept and return Jon’s love had meant letting go of the past on some level deeper than she’d experienced before. While he had fallen into a deep sleep, punctuated only by the occasional ‘puffing’ sound his lips sometimes made as he exhaled, Rachel had found it impossible to do anything more than doze. All night long, movies of her past life replayed in her head…and not just vague memories, these were on a high-definition big screen, complete with surround theatre sound and on a continuous loop. The sense of sadness and loss often stronger than the sense of joy at this new love she’d found.

It really is darkest just before the dawn.

Grateful for the peeking of the Eastern sun as it rose, Rachel had risen with it, attempting to shake off the remnants of grief which had taunted her all night. The skies were cloudy and grey which, oddly enough, only served to remind her that there was a rainbow hidden in them somewhere.

“I wondered if you ran away on me.”

Jon’s voice behind her broke the train of thought and Rachel’s lips curved into a smile, willing herself back into the present. His scruffy chin edged her hair away from one side of her neck to kiss it while his arms wrapped around the other side and squeezed. Rachel reached her arm behind and past her head to tunnel her fingers into his bed-head mop of hair and affectionately tickled at his neck before turning her barstool to meet his face.

“Nope. You said you’d chase me to the ends of the earth if I did so there didn't seem to be much point…..Coffee?”

Jon greeted her with a kiss to her forehead and stroke of her hair, “I’ll get it.”  Bare feet padded around the kitchen island and as he retrieved a mug from the cabinet Rachel absently wondered why his feet were never cold, before he moved on to the coffee pot. 

“You’re up awfully early.”

“Yeah, I woke up and then my mind kicked in, I finally just decided to get a head start on the day.”

“Have time for coffee with me?” 

Rachel scooted off her barstool and walked with him into the family room, “I’ll always make time for you.”  She tucked her socked feet under her as she eased down on the sofa, “Looks like rain today…”

Jon had picked up the remote control to turn on the gas fireplace before he glanced out the French doors and beyond the deck, “It does….wish we could play hookie and laze in front of this fire watching old movies all day.”

This was what she loved about being in love. Ordinary, mundane conversation about the weather over a cup of coffee. It beat grand, romantic gestures every time.

Jon flopped down beside her and casually laid his arm across her leg to give a loving pat to the top of her thigh, “So…do you still love me this mornin’?”

Her eyes were focused on the slightly grey hair above his ears as she tried to smooth the hair he woke with, “I love you as much this morning as I have for many mornings.”

The fingers on her thigh slid into the back of her knee for a squeeze, “Niiiice….you didn’t even flinch, baby.”

His crinkled eyes and scrunched nose when he made the comment transformed his insane good looks into dorky and sweet...and completely the opposite of his carefully crafted public image. Rachel found him adorable and completely irresistible.

“I know I've been a little…reserved but I really am working on that. Blind faith? That doesn't come easily to me. But YOU……” Rachel fondly jabbed a finger into his ribs to bring her point home, “YOU have to stop playing me like one of your guitars. You have a disturbing ability to get me to say things I wouldn't ordinarily even think.”

Jon slurped the hot coffee before asking for clarification, “Like?”

“Like I want dozens of babies with you….insane!”

Jon wondered if he should let the comment pass or grab it by the horns and go for it. Rachel seemed relaxed and at ease. 

May as well throw caution to the wind…

“I don’t wanna piss you off…but obviously babies sounded pretty appealing to you last night…. How about we deal with it instead of acting like it was some insane thought now that the light of day is here.”

He briefly held his breath when Rachel got up to refill their coffee cups. Slip sliding across the polished floor in her socks, she handed his cup back to him with raised brows.

“Oh, c’mon Jon! You know the things people say in the throes of hot sex can’t be considered rational. The way you and I communicate in bed would never be part of a conversation we had outside of the bed.”

“Maybe it should be. We speak very easily and naturally to each other IN bed, we always have. It’s outside of bed we sometimes walk on eggshells."

Jon accepted the full cup from her outstretched arm, pausing to take a sip of the steaming brew;

“Pillow talk is like liquor talk, at least in my opinion….you usually get the absolute truth. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting another baby or a couple of them. Hell, even I can understand why you’d want that.”

“I already told you, Jon, getting pregnant in my twenties was nearly impossible. At forty one, I'm too old now for sure.”

Relieved that she’d shown no signs of being uncomfortable with the conversation, Jon relaxed a little and shrugged.

“Dorothea was still having kids in her forties… a lot of women do. Especially these days.”

Settling back on the sofa beside him, Rachel turned to face him.

“Honey, just as a side note….I realise you have incredibly fond and respectful feelings about your former wife which is great, but you seem to hold her as the epitome of what every woman should be. The comparisons to her are a little disconcerting. Not a big deal…just want you to be aware of it.”

“You misunderstand what I'm getting at. Some of the things we talk about? My only point of reference is Dorothea. We had kids in our forties so that’s why I mentioned her. Simple as that. But my real point was that you’re NOT too old for more kids if that’s what you want…and I can certainly see why it would be.”  Jon rubbed the vein at the corner of his forehead, wondering if it was starting to bulge with the headache that began to creep in. “The reality with you, Rach, is that you play things so close to the vest getting you to open up is hard. And then when you do open up you pull back most of the time or totally run away….it’s like two steps forward and one step back sometimes.  It makes it hard to know what it is you truly need from me and this relationship.”

The silence hung in the hair for a few seconds, Jon uncomfortably wondered if he’d pushed too hard and she was about to withdraw…or worse…were they in for a brawl?

Rachel took a sip from her cup as she considered what he’d said, then drew in a long breath, 

“Okay….I’ll work on that.”

She could have knocked him over with a feather.

Shock turned to delight and Jon leaned closer to give her lips a surprised smacker of a kiss;

“Well, well, well! Who are YOU and what have you done with MY Rachel?”

Blushing Rachel fondly pushed him away and gazed into the dark swirl of coffee still steaming from the cup cradled in her fingers.

“I'm sorry. I know I've not always been easy to deal with and you've been so patient with me but this thing with you? It’s like jumping out of an air plane for me…it’s been scary. Allowing myself to feel for you forces me out of the safe place I created to cope. It’s like I said, just letting go and falling for you heart and soul is like standing on the edge of the Empire State Building and trusting that you’ll swoop in, cape and all, and catch me before I hit the ground.”

Lifting the sleeve of his t-shirt to show her the faded Superman tattoo, Jon couldn't resist a cocky smirk.  “I’ll catch you…”

The first sign Rachel was giving careful consideration to what she was going to say next came in the form of her chewing on the corner of her lip. Her furrowed brows were the next.

“Okay, then. Since you want me to have all this blind faith, here goes nothing.” She drew in a nervous breath before continuing, “Last night? The thought of forever with you was amazing, but the thought of having a child again – our child – was nothing short of euphoric for me. It felt like the most pure, highest form of love. It brought such intense happiness that I can’t even describe it.”

If he hadn't known he loved her before, Jon would've known for sure when he saw the emotion in her eyes and felt a glimmer of the pain she’d endured. He realized now what he’d watched happen within Rachel the night before wasn't some form of exorcism or sexual inability. 

It was healing. 

His voice was soft, his touch tender when he spoke, “You don’t have to describe it. I was there. I saw what it did to you…where it took you.”

Rachel never broke eye contact with him, only granting him a sheepish smile, “You’re probably going to regret encouraging all this blind faith…… I guess I'm wondering now if more children is even an option with you?”

Jon looked absently at the fireplace wondering if the thermostat was working properly. All of a sudden, the room was feeling uncomfortably hot.

“Physically, yeah. At least as far as I know - I never had any problem in the past, the first two kids were conceived on the first try. Jake was a surprise and Romeo was because we didn't want Jake to grow up alone, and he wasn't much effort to conceive either.”

“What about beyond ‘physically’? Would you want more kids?”

And there it was: The proverbial fork in the road. 

Jon thought he could actually hear the blood rushing through his head as he searched for the words to convey what he was feeling.

“Honestly, I don’t know if I even want to get married again, let alone have more kids. I was thinking about that this morning. You deserve to have that, if you want it and I’d be a heartless, selfish bastard to deprive you of it, I know that. Starting over with little ones again changes things in my world. I'm gone a lot….it’s fine when kids are little, but eventually they’re in school and they have their own lives, their own interests. They don’t WANT to travel with dad…even when they can and a mother isn't inclined to leave her kids with nannies to jet set with dad the rock star, ya know? It changes things all the way around.” 

Jon pulled Rachel closer to nestle into his side and kissed her temple before asking, “Would it be a deal breaker for you? No marriage … no kids?”

“Jon! Until mere hours ago when you drove me to declare my undying love and desire to have a bunch of kids with you – none of it was even on my radar.”  Rachel’s laughter indicated a lightness she wasn't sure she actually felt, but it was a better perception than him sensing how disappointed she was.

 

“Kids…??? Probably not a deal breaker, but now I don’t know. I guess if it were important to me I’d want it to be important to the man I loved and as for marriage? I loved being married….and I doubt I’d want to spend the rest of my life as some guy’s girlfriend.”

Silence descended around them as they both stared at the flickering blue and amber flames of the gas fire. They’d covered more ground in the past ten minutes than they had in their entire relationship to date and the intensity of it was starting to wear them both.

Jon sighed softly and looked down at the nest of blonde waves that were nestled against his shoulder.

“Maybe we should table the heavy stuff for now and talk about the holidays?”

Sitting up, Rachel nodded, relief that they were moving onto another subject evident in her enthusiasm.

“I was thinking about that this morning, my brother in law’s fiftieth birthday is the weekend before Thanksgiving and I want to be there for that but Nick’s family always had their traditional family dinner on the night before Thanksgiving so we could all eat leftovers and watch football all day. If you had a couple of days, you could come with me and still be back here with your kids – or I could try grab a red-eye on Wednesday night and be back here before dinner on Thanksgiving – would that work?”

“Yeah, actually I could stay with you until after dinner and we could fly back together that night, assuming your family wouldn't be uncomfortable with me on the scene?”

“I’ll go over it with them and if it’s a problem we can rethink that plan……” Taking a sip from her cup, Rachel grimaced at the now cold taste of coffee. “So what about Christmas? We normally do a family dinner on Christmas Eve and open gifts that night so I could still be with you by Christmas morning if that’s what you want, or sometime later that night?”

Jon stretched his legs out in front of him as he thought out a plan. “Our thing is Christmas morning and dinner that night so if we don’t mind flying cross country during the night, that sounds workable…… at least we’d be guaranteed some private time with just the two of us on the plane..”

Rachel’s eyes brightened with mischief. “Hmm…… that could be a lot of fun… our own little holiday celebration at 30,000 feet! I've always fantasised about being a flight attendant….”

Chuckling Jon shook his head at her. There it was, her infectious sense of adventure that kept drawing him back, time and time again. No matter what they faced together in the future, life with Rachel would never be dull, he was sure of that.