Chapter Eighteen

“Why Jon?”

Rachel couldn’t understand his motives; they’d known each for practically five minutes. She was a nobody, he was a rock star with a string of beautiful women fawning over him on any given day – she presumed she just counted as another notch on his well-worn belt. She turned back to face Jon across the length of the kitchen where he still stood at the island watching her intently.

“Sounds like he was a good guy.”

He shrugged making no attempt to close the distance between them, his right hand casually cradling his empty glass and his left shoved deep in the pockets of his jeans.

“The best.”

Rachel confirmed his presumption with a suspicious nod, her lips forming a defiant line.

“Jon if you need to ease your conscience then FINE! I forgive you or whatever the hell else you want to hear, I’m over it.”

Her words stung the air, her arms exasperatedly questioning his interrogation.

“It’s not as if we were ever going anywhere so let’s just put this behind us and move on with our respective lives.”

Jon shook his head sadly, his voice lacking its normal confidence;

“I was hoping we could just put this behind us………”

“What do you want from me Jon? What can I give you that you can’t get elsewhere?”

Despite the alcohol warming the blood racing around his veins, Jon could feel his frustration mounting. He couldn’t even tell himself why he was here, why he was so intent on figuring this out.

“Normality………..hell I don’t know Rachel! I didn’t plan on this ‘thing’ happening!”

Rachel strode toward him, her arms gesticulating wildly before she grabbed her glass off the counter once more, filling it in one fluid movement from the near empty bottle.

“What is this ‘thing’ exactly? Because if today’s anything to go by I’d say we’re better off not finding out! Besides……”

Taking a swallow of tequila she paused. “……this is not what I moved over here for……”

“Why are you here?” Jon had it blurted out before he could stop himself, frozen he held his breath preparing for the mental walls she was surely about to build back up around herself.

She moved to the open door and stared out at the darkening sky, the ominous black clouds tumbling ever nearer from across the horizon. Her voice broke down, the earlier resentment and anger seeming to float away on the hot, still air.

“A fresh start, that’s all I wanted – all I needed.”

Jon moved to stand behind her, his heart ached to touch her, to comfort her in some way but his brain screamed NO – not yet.

“Tell me about him.”

The outline of her face softened in the dusky light, her head leaning casually against the door frame as Jon watched her travel to another time. She was silent for so long he was about to throw the towel in and get the hell out of there when she began to speak, her voice soft and moist.

“He was all I could have ever dreamt of – tall, handsome as the devil, drove a dangerously cool black car that always had ZZ Top pumping too loud from the speakers – exactly the kinda guy my father warned me about – but he made my world complete, just like when you finally get the last piece of the puzzle to fit – we just clicked.”

“Love at first sight huh?”

"I wouldn't have called it 'love' necessarily. I felt a little like lightening had struck me...the way he looked at me almost scared me.  I found out after we married that he had commented to his friends that first day we met at the mall ‘There's a little girl I'd like to corrupt’.”

A small laugh made her head shake slightly as she smirked into the emptiness of the garden.

 “….so his intentions were hardly honourable. As luck would have it, one of his friends was the brother of one of my friends and so I guess you could say I was lured in by a false sense of security." 

Jon relaxed a little as he watched the tension roll off her shoulders, he could have melted into the shadows and she wouldn’t have noticed as she continued to wind her way through the maze of memories.

"I was pretty naive...didn't have enough sense to realise he didn't have the purest of intentions. He offered to take me for a ride and I couldn't get in fast enough. We went back to a mutual friend’s house with everybody else and listened to music as kids do. A bunch of his friends were going to the beach the next day and he asked me to go with him. He was the perfect bad boy and I was smitten."

The shaky quiver was back in her voice as she dropped her head with a soft sigh.

“We got married on that same beach two years later.”

“He was pretty awesome then……” Jon made the comment awkwardly, he felt as if he had intruded on memories that weren’t meant for him.

“He was my rock……….my very own real life rock star.”

Jon bit his lip at her innuendo but resisted the urge to interrupt – she was finally talking. A low rumble of thunder barrelled from the bank of angry clouds overhead, a scattering of birds noisily taking flight from a nearby tree making them both jump.

Rachel blinked rapidly in an effort to rid her mind of the hazy fog of remembrance, a panicked and embarrassed blush rising in her pale cheeks.

“I don’t do this Jon……”

Unable to deter himself any longer Jon lifted his hands to lightly rub either side of her shoulders. She tensed under his touch, her back stiff and unyielding but she made no effort to push him away.

“You don’t do what?”

He leaned in close, her faint perfume wafting under his nose, sweet and innocent like fresh jasmine picked from the garden. She shook her head miserably, a dull ache searing across her forehead; the heavy air and tequila was finally making an impact.

“I don’t talk about this, I can’t talk about this.”

Another rumble of thunder, louder and closer this time rolled through the air prompting Jon to gently steer her away from the open door towards the soft leather sofa that was nestled against the wall in front of the empty wood burning stove. She allowed herself to be guided by him, a heavy blanket of exhaustion was rapidly wrapping itself around her body – she had no energy left to argue. As she curled up on the marshmallow like cushions, a glass of water materialised at her left hand.

“I think we’ve both had enough tequila for today – try this instead.”

Taking the glass from him, she gazed up at his face and smiled in silent gratitude. The ice cold water was a welcome change from the bitterness of the earlier alcohol and she drained half the glass before handing it back to him.

“Better?” He raised his brows, those blue eyes that she was becoming so familiar with smiling down at her. This was the guy she’d lost earlier, the one who’d been the first man to captivate her since – well just since.

“I’m sorry Jon, today was as much my fault……”

“Stop!” Interrupting Jon set the glass down on a nearby bookcase and perched himself on the sofa beside her. He fixed her with such a fierce look she almost winced.

“I’m the one that came over here to apologise to you, believe me you have nothing to be sorry for baby. I was a shit today, a complete and total shit and if I could kick my own ass I would.” He grasped one of her hands and squeezed it softly, “I just panicked a bit…….”

“It’s okay………I should have explained earlier………I just…….”

A lone tear slid down her cheek and before she could move Jon had softly brushed it away with his thumb. When she dipped her head into his touch he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close until she was snug against his chest. Rocking her gently he softly whispered in her ear.

“Tell me now then… it’s alright... what happened baby?”

Enveloped by his strong arms and firm chest Rachel let him support her weight, the steady beating of his heart magnified against her ear through the thin fabric of his shirt. Lulled by the soothing rocking she closed her eyes and let herself drift back to that dreadful day, the scenes flashing through her mind as vividly as if it had been yesterday.

“We were going skiing but I woke up with the flu and we didn’t want to disappoint the kids so Nick said he’d take them by himself.”

Jon’s heart stilled for a moment, his breath hanging on her every word.

So she does have kids.

Rachel’s low voice continued, Jon’s change in tension level going unheeded.

“They had a great day, spent hours up on the slopes while I stayed home and caught up on some sleep………….Nick called me before they left to let me know what time they’d be home at……..that was the last time I ever spoke to him………..” 

A hard lump formed in her throat as she fought to control her breathing.

“There was bad ice on the way back down from the mountain and the car spun out…………Nick could have driven his way out of it but there was a big rig coming up…………the sheriff said there would have been nothing he could have done to avoid it…………..”

Jon screwed his eyes shut in disbelief as he listened to her heart breaking story, it sounded like a scene from a Hollywood blockbuster. He read about accidents like this in the papers all the time but he’d never actually stopped to think about them.

“I could have been with them, I could have seen the ice but I was at home………..” 

She choked on her words, tears freefalling from her eyelids.

Jon sat up sharply, his gentle rocking stopped by the horror unfolding in his brain. He looked down in shock at the tousled blonde waves of hair that were burrowed against his chest. She’d said the kids were with her husband………when she spoke again her words tore straight through his heart and shattered it in a million pieces.

“That was the day I lost my whole family, the day I lost everything.”

The thunder crashing overhead that reverberated through the whole house went unnoticed as Jon held her tight in his arms, his senses reeling from what she had just told him. Images of his own kids, from Stephanie with her golden hair and twinkling teenage eyes right down to his youngest son Romeo flooded his brain. They were his flesh and blood, the very reason he existed and he couldn’t contemplate a life without them.

“Jesus Rachel…….” He struggled to find words to express the shock, never in a million years had he envisioned anyone let alone someone he knew having to deal with something like this.

“That’s what everyone says.” Her quiet voice broke through the stillness in the room. “It’s what I would say if it were someone else……..”

Sitting up she eased herself from his arms, her hands automatically swiping the accumulation of tears from her eyes, strands of her tousled hair falling from the ponytail tied loosely on top of her head. With a deep sigh she looked over at Jon, the hollows of her eyes dark and red rimmed.

“This is why I don’t talk about this………there’s no point.”

Jon stared at her in disbelief, his mind whirling with a mixture of sympathy and confusion. How could she not talk about it?

“How long ago was this?” His voice was hoarse, his mouth suddenly dry and lined with cotton as he reached for the water he’d brought over for Rachel. 

“Almost two and a half years ago, some days it seems like a lifetime ago, other days it feels like yesterday.”

He shook his head slowly, willing his brain to absorb the details. It was no wonder she’d crossed the country but was that a solution? Somehow he doubted it. Tipping his head back he drank down the last of the water, washing away the cloudy dust that seemed to be coating all his words. Rachel sat beside him tiredly staring at the panelled wall behind the stove that sat across the floor in front of them, her hands clasped between her knees.

“You know what so many people said to me at the time? Only the good die young.” She half laughed at herself before she looked sideways at him. “To this day they have NO idea how angry that made me – how angry it STILL makes me.”

Jon watched as a fire reignited in her eyes, a grim determination stretching the features of her pale face. Remaining silent he let her continue, this woman had been wounded more than bone deep in ways he couldn’t even begin to fathom.

“They also said time is a great healer – have you ever noticed that ALL the people who are so ready and willing to give advice are only able to do so from afar?” She bitterly spat the words out, a deep blush rising up her neck before she quietened down and took a deep breath, regretfully twisting her fingers together.

“Sorry…..it’s been a long time since I talked to anyone about any of this.”

A brilliant flash of lightning cracked through the darkness outside, the accompanying crash of thunder just seconds later shattering the heavy silence. Jon hesitated for a moment before he gently prised her hands apart and turned her to face him, the soft leather of the sofa yielding beneath them.

“Rachel I’m not gonna tell you how sorry I am, or how to fix it because truthfully? I wouldn’t know where to start. I’ve been pretty lucky in life so far in that I haven’t had to go through a tragedy like yours but babe………..you gotta start talking.”

Soft blue eyes held her gaze steady, his hands softly caressing her wrists soothing and reassuring while he spoke. Another flash of electricity streaking across the sky lit up the room, illuminating her tear streaked face.

“I’m tired of being a widow Jon, I miss my family but more than anything I’m tired of being alone.”

Her lower lip trembled and the words tumbled from her lips as she finally admitted it more to herself than anybody.

“I want my life back.”