Chapter 82

Jon hunched his shoulders up against the crisp morning air.  The early spring day wasn’t to blame for the chill he felt inside as he trudged along the now-familiar trail from Rachel’s house to his.  It was the resounding echo of her deadly quiet, “Go home, Jon – and stay there” that left him cold.   

Never having been known as one to blindly follow orders, he had stood in her kitchen for the longest time trying to find some reason to stay when she demanded he leave – but he couldn’t.    Right or wrong, he had crossed a line with the things that had come flying out of his mouth, and crossing that line had gone a long way toward stifling his domineering tendencies.  In the end, he chose to respect her wishes and let things cool down between them before trying to sort it all out.

Again.

If he were honest about it, Jon had known Rachel wasn’t going to be happy about him going to St. Bart’s with Dorothea and their kids, but he hadn’t had the heart to tell his son no when the boy had asked him to join them for spring break.  It was even understandable that Jesse asked.  St. Bart’s had been a tradition in their family for years – the kids had grown up spending their school vacations there.  

He had a responsibility to his children.  Period.  That meant he and Rachel were just going to have to come to some understanding and put the kids’ welfare before their own personal feelings. 

Her continued resistance to his maintaining a family relationship with Dorothea for the sake of their children had left him feeling a bit defensive and more than a little protective of his kids.  It made him crazy and confused to feel as though they needed protection from her. It wasn’t like Rachel at all to deny his kids anything.  When they were all together, she was more doting on those four renegades of his than he’d had a right to hope for, and the kids seemed genuinely fond of her.

But throw their mother into the mix and Rachel was just completely unreasonable.

He found that odd, too, because the few times Dorothea and she had been together, they were quite friendly with each other.  Rachel had never seemed the slightest bit jealous, and Dot had commented more than once on how lucky Jon was to have found a woman who was so attentive to their children.     

He knew his reaction to Rachel had been over the top and beyond cruel.  He hadn’t meant a word of it – certainly not the part about her being an absentee mother when her children were killed – but she’d hit below the belt, too.  Throwing it in his face that Dorothea had walked away from him, that she hadn’t wanted him anymore… Well, that was just uncalled for. 

It hit a nerve he hadn’t known was still raw.  

Nobody knew it, but he had thrown away all pride when pleading for Dorothea’s forgiveness after his last indiscretion.  He’d never told another living soul how he had begged her not to leave him and take his babies away from him.  It had been the lowest point of his life on every level and, when he came out of the fog, he vowed he’d never chase another woman like that.  He would certainly never grovel after another woman the way he had Dorothea.   

That whole scene had ultimately turned him into an empty shell with nothing more than a string of one night stands.

Until Rachel came along. 

That cute little blonde standing on the side of the road struggling with all those suitcases… Well, he’d been smitten before he ever saw her face.   A woman like Rachel was rare, in his experience.  She wasn’t into him for anything he could bring to her party, his money was of no interest and his fame didn’t even seem to rattle her.  For whatever reason, she just loved him. 

You soooo fucked this up, Bongiovi.

The question now was how to make things right between them again. 

                                           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Jon left, Rachel  lingered at the sink for what seemed to be a long time just blindly looking at the mess in the skillet and wondering at how, mere moments ago, her life was beautiful, and now...?  Now it was as ugly as the desecrated omelet she’d been preparing.

When all hell broke loose and Jon had insinuated that she was somehow lacking as a mother, it had been like a knife to her scarred soul.

Rachel vividly remembered the morning of the planned ski trip with Nick and the kids.  She’d gotten up with every intention of going with them, in spite of her fever and body aches, but Nick had insisted she stay home.

Hadn’t he? 

Or had she been the needy, whiny, pansy-ass Jon accused her of being? 

She’d never told anybody how she had tormented herself with the same thoughts – that if she’d been with him maybe things would have been different... if they’d left the ski lodge a few seconds earlier or later, they might all still be here.   

Lauren had been in the front seat, Tyler in the seat behind Nick….

Had the kids fought or otherwise distracted their father from noticing the road conditions?  Or had he simply hit a hidden patch of ice like the investigation concluded?  There were so many spots on that road along the Truckee River that would ice over even in clear weather.  Rachel would always remind Nick of it, but he would just tell her to let him drive the bus.

Somehow she still wondered if being there herself might have changed the outcome. 

Rachel would always question exactly what happened in those last moments.   How much time had they had from the start of the spin until the truck hit them?  Had they been afraid?  

She knew they had been, and it haunted her.   The last moments her babies were alive had been terrifying and, according to eye witnesses and the results of the investigation, Nick had tried, even in the spinout, to steer their SUV so that the impact was absorbed by him.   His last moments were spent trying to protect their children. 

In the end, the weight of the huge truck had been catastrophic and even the well-built SUV they were driving couldn’t protect them when the truck had essentially driven over them. 

She had never been able to look at the pictures in the report or even go to the spot the accident had happened.   In fact, she hadn’t been able to go to their graves after the funeral.   Her mother and sister went, but Rachel had always felt like it would be too real and she just couldn’t bear the weight of that reality. 

That day could be re-hashed, over and over, for the rest of her life and it wouldn’t change the outcome now – even if Jon’s accusations had been right.   That tragedy was part of her past.

The tragedy that she was dealing with in the here and now was a relationship that seemed to bring more hurt than she was willing to put up with. 

She didn’t know how long she stood there at the stove, but by the time she picked up her coffee cup again the liquid inside had turned cold.  After setting it in the microwave and hitting the power button, she wrapped her arms around her middle, feeling suddenly chilly herself.

When the electronic beep came, signaling that the coffee had warmed, Rachel curled her fingers around the hot cup and went in search of the leather sofa’s comforting embrace.   She sank into the cushions, letting them wrap her up in an inanimate hug that did nothing to warm her insides.  The blanket tossed over her legs at least helped to lessen the cold, physical ache that had taken over her body. 

She sipped the hot liquid Jon had prepared for her earlier, recalling the first time she saw him.

That hot and humid summer day while she struggled to move her too-large suitcases through the stuck gates... Everything in her world had changed when he spoke those five little words,  “Hey, need a hand there?”

Rachel got lost in recalling the memories they’d made together.  Their first kiss.  Summer by the pool, the beach, the Hamptons.   The first time they said “I love you.”  The many times they said “I’m sorry”.  

Their life together played out in her head like a movie.  Part love story, part comedy, part drama – it  was all those things.   Imperfect, to be sure, but it had been theirs and love had never been absent between them. 

She wondered if Jon remembered her asking him to promise if they couldn’t work things out, they’d ‘pull the plug’ before they ruined everything that had been so beautiful about them. 

It had been, she thought, very beautiful, but it wasn’t anymore, except for the brief respites between brutal fighting.  If they continued on, every good thing that ever happened between them…. every precious moment of love shared would be lost forever in a cesspool of bitter anger, and it would eventually become hate.  There would be absolutely nothing left of the “them” that was so exquisite. 

Rachel knew the time had come and, while it broke her heart, she was certain it had to be done.   She knew after this morning’s battle, that Jon would surely be on the same page. 

Decision made and unwilling to rush after him to put the final nail in this coffin, she leisurely sipped her coffee and let her mind wander over every tiny good detail of their life together.  She stored up every smile, every laugh, every sweet moment, knowing it would give her a sense of peace to be able to tell him goodbye with all those loving memories foremost in her mind. 

Logically,  she knew the bad times existed and had brought them to this end, but she let them fall away.  It was much like the wake of any other death.  She wanted to remember what was good about the life that had passed.  She wanted to remember that life fondly and not overshadow the beauty with sorrow. 

Love remains, she thought wistfully when her cup was empty at last.  When everything else is said and done, love remains. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun was shining off the Navesink River, making it look like diamonds were floating on the surface as  Rachel walked the path she knew like the back of her hand.  She had certainly traveled it enough in the year she and Jon had been together, but this walk was… different. 

She went slowly instead of with purpose, treasuring these last moments of their relationship and appreciating the beauty of his estate.  She respected the hard work it had taken for Jon to build this empire.  It represented a large chunk of his life. 

She had walked past the dock most every day without a second glance, but today...  Today she was reminded of him kissing her, making her come alive again, on that very dock.  It was almost impossible to believe the two people who had kissed in that spot were the two people they’d become over the past months. 

As much as she was trying to focus on the love in their relationship, it was hard to think of him leaving her life.  It hurt to acknowledge that the man she’d wanted so desperately that day by the river was the same man she was willingly leaving now. 

Entering through the kitchen door as always she did, Rachel ran her hand along the wall where they’d first made love.  Okay, “made love” was a completely inaccurate depiction but she thought “fucked senseless” somehow seemed too crass to use in paying homage to that moment in time. 

The kitchen and family room were empty and, unless he were out running, there was only one other place she would check before looking in his studio.  That one other place was where she found him.  He was in his office, sitting at the enormous desk with his legs crossed on top of it. 

“Hey.”

“Hey,” he replied, dropping his legs to the floor and turning to face her as she approached. 

He reached out to her, resting both hands on her hips as he dropped his head against her middle and sighed.   He reminded her of a child in these moments – moments when his remorse was bigger than his temper – and Rachel stroked the hair at the back of his head just as she would a little boy. 

They held each other for several minutes, neither needing to say anything.  Or maybe the silence hung in the air because they didn’t know what to say. 

“I’m sorry I slapped you,” was where Rachel finally decided to start. 

Jon drew in a deep breath and lifted his head, twisting her around to sit on his lap and then linking his fingers around hers.   “Don’t worry about it. I had it coming.”

There was a brief moment of silence in which he traced odd little patterns over her thigh with his index finger.

“I didn’t mean what I said, Rach.  You know that’s not what I think of you.  I know you were a wonderful mom… and you loved your kids more than anything.”  He swore softly, his fingers tightening around hers.  “Aww, honey…. I’m just so sorry.”

Her head fell to nestle into the crook of his neck. She wanted to memorize his scent and the way his body felt next to hers – to lock in those memories for the empty times she knew were ahead of her.   Her heart squeezed because she knew these were the last moments they would ever hold each other.    

Finally, she lifted her head and touched his chin so that he would turn to look her in the eyes.  Her voice was little more than a whisper when asking, “Remember when I asked you months ago to promise me that, if we couldn’t work things out, we’d walk away before we ruined everything that was beautiful about us?”

“We’ll work things out, Rachel.”

“No.”  Her voice cracked and her eyes filled with tears in spite of her intentions to the contrary.  “We escalate the hurt every time we fight.  It’s only getting worse.  It isn’t anybody’s fault – we’re just fire and gasoline – a lethal combination.”  She pressed a finger to protesting lips and then combed her fingers through the hair of the man whose face had begun to faintly show signs of what looked to be panic.  “Maybe I am too needy or whiny.  Maybe you are too wrapped up in the past.  The only thing I know for sure, Jon, is that you’re the love of my life – but we ramped things up enough today for me to slap you.”

He might not have even realized how tightly his arm closed around her waist, reiterating the panic in his eyes even as he calmly said, “Rach…  You’ll never know how sorry I am for the things I said.  You had every right to cold-cock me.  But honey... we didn’t come through everything we have just to walk away from each other now.”

“I’m not asking your opinion… or your permission.  The handwriting’s on the wall.  We’re going to end up apart one way or another.  We do it now, while there’s still something left, or we do it later when we’ve killed it ALL off.”

“Or we don’t do it at all, we forgive each other and we move on.”  His face contorted into a steely resolve as he strove to will things into rightfulness.  “That’s what we’re gonna do, Rachel.”

She couldn’t resist stroking the cheek that was still slightly red from her hand.  “You love me, Jon, but I’ll never give you what you really require, because I need all of you.  You’ll end up feeling more and more guilty because you can’t give that to me, and I’ll end up feeling more and more hurt because you don’t.  As cliché as it sounds, love isn’t always enough.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Rachel.  We had a bad fight.  We said some cruel things.   It’ll pass.”

He wasn’t going to go along with this willingly, that much was clear.  They weren’t on the same page when it came to ending their relationship any more than they were on the same page trying to make it work. 

Even as her heart broke a bit more, she struggled to find the resolve needed to do what was best – for them.

“Jon, I don’t want a relationship like that.  I don’t want a man who hits below the belt all the time like you do – and drives me to hit just as low, even resorting to physical hitting.  It’s just not me.  Or who I want to be.”

He was wounded to the core – she could see it in his eyes – but  in classic Jon style, that hurt lashed out in what appeared to be anger. 

“So you think you’ll be happier without me?   Is that it?  I’m the ‘love of your life’ but you’d rather walk away than find a way to work things out?” 

She couldn’t hold it against him, the wall he put up between them.  It might not be exactly the way she wanted it to end, but Rachel knew this man like the back of her hand, and he was hurting every bit as much as she was.  

“What I think is that there’s enough pain in life that I can’t avoid.  To stay in a relationship that continues to hurt me…. Well, I don’t want to do that anymore – to  either of us.  And I need you to respect that.”

Jon pushed her from his lap and stood abruptly, forcing Rachel to stand as well.  She was still teetering on her feet as he stalked to the window, giving her nothing but his stiff back to look at. 

He knew the panic that was causing his heart to race and his breathing to go shallow would reflect in his eyes and he wouldn’t allow her to see that.  Jon wouldn’t let another woman see him without his dignity intact.  Dorothea had brought him to his knees once, and he would never put himself in that humiliating, degrading position again.  Not even for Rachel. 

Eyes blankly affixed on the lawn, he didn’t look at her when he drew on every acting lesson he’d ever had and said blandly,  “I never took you for a quitter, Rach.  But hey, if it really doesn’t mean any more to you than that, there’s not much I can do.  If you wanna walk, you don’t need to worry about me not respecting that.  ”

He managed not to flinch when he felt her arms on his back.  He remained stoically still and silent as she wound them around his waist and held him for the briefest of moments.  Then, without another word, she walked out of the room, out of his house... and out of his life. 

Jon stood at the window unable to move, as regret, remorse and sorrow wove together to bind him in a sturdy set of invisible chains.  They held him bound, motionless, forcing him to watch her cross the grass and make her way down the path that would ultimately take her out of his sight. 

Jaw clenched, he used anger to break the bindings of another failed relationship and silently vowed that nobody would ever get near enough to leave him again.

Chapter 81

“Good grief!  This bed was thrashed!”

Rachel could sleep in a bed all week and you’d hardly know it had even been slept in.  Jon’s presence in the same bed brought about a different result even without sex.  Throw a wild sexcapade in there and the sheets would be pulled from all four corners and completely torn off at the bottom. 

The tussled bed was a small price to pay for the sense of normalcy that had returned to the couple, she thought.  Waking in the night and finding him curled around her had felt right for the first time in a long time.  She’d taken for granted the little things of being in a normal relationship and just the sound of him brushing his teeth in the bathroom while she made the bed was music to her ears.

Jon spit out the toothpaste, rinsing his mouth, then wiping the residual water with the back of his hand as he opened the shower door and turned the water on.  “You’re messy in bed, babe.  And relentless, I might add.” 

“That’s because YOU are so persuasive,” Rachel replied, as, in the mirror hanging on the bedroom wall, she watched his reflection step into the shower.  Even with that horrid mess of bedhead, he was a delicious vision. 

“Own it, baby! YOU are the one woke me out of a dead sleep early this morning for round four.” 

Bed finished, she joined him in the shower, luxuriating in the feeling of his soapy chest under her hands.  “I was making up for lost time.”

Jon dropped his head under the shower spray to rinse the shampoo from his hair even as his hands found their way around Rachel’s waist and slid to cup her bottom.  “I’m amazed you can even walk this morning.”

“Walking is only mildly uncomfortable.  Sitting, however, may prove to be a little more difficult today.”

“You love it.”

“Yeah, I do,” she chuckled.  “I love the little reminders allll day long of the things you did to me the night before.  It helps me plot the things I’m gonna do to YOU tonight!”

“Your devious, plotting mind is one of the most attractive things about you.”   He finished rinsing the soap from his body before cracking a playful slap to Rachel’s behind.  “I’m gonna head downstairs and get some coffee going.  You wanna come down or want me to bring you some up here?” 

“Let me just finish my shower and comb out my hair, and then I’ll come downstairs.”

“K. Considering the way you abused my body last night, are you planning to fix me a breakfast feast?”

“Of course!  I want to replenish all those nutrients you sweated out.  Gotta have you in prime shape for tonight’s escapades.”

                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When she found her way to the kitchen a short while later, he was sitting at the breakfast bar talking on the phone.  Nothing unusual about that, because he was always on the phone.  Rachel paid little attention to his conversations at any time and, lost in her own thoughts, even less so this morning,. 

Her coffee was waiting for her, prepared just the way she liked it.  He was a dream with that barista machine, she thought as she reached into the fridge for eggs and assorted breakfast ingredients.  A quick chop of onions and peppers, along with a little ham and her omelet was well on its way. 

Rachel had just poured the eggs into the vegetables when he ended the call.   Still reveling in the returned bliss of her life, she didn’t even notice the silence until he quietly spoke a short time later. 

“I love you, Rach.”

She turned her head over her shoulder and noticed the odd look on his face.  “I know that.  I love you, too.  What’s wrong?”

He was silent, not looking directly at her, but staring at the kitchen wall just beyond her  He took a breath and frowned before finally speaking. 

“That was Jesse.”  He paused, seeming to be searching for words, which struck her as odd considering the man made a living writing lyrics.  “Dorothea is taking the kids to St. Bart’s for their spring break.  Jess asked me to go with them … and I've told him I will.”

The once promising omelet became a scrambled mess as her body went on autopilot while her mind went numb.  She mindlessly stirred the eggs, trying to keep the waves of nausea and light-headedness from overwhelming her.  He may as well have punched her in the stomach, her physical reaction was so intense.  

She finally flipped off the burner and palmed the counter, leaning against it for support, unsure how she could even stand with the bomb he’d just dropped.

The silence was deafening as Rachel fought the feeling of being some cheap, dirty toy Jon kept hidden on the side while continuing to maintain a family with his former wife. 

In her typical mode of self-defense, she cultivated the devastating hurt into anger.  Anger was preferable to the feeling of betrayal, insignificance and worthlessness that he was trying to saddle her with.  This was the exact same thing that happened with his last trip and she realized nothing had changed.  Worse than that, nothing would change. 

“I’m worth more than this, Jon,” she quietly mumbled, proud of herself for maintaining some semblance of decorum by not screaming the words at him until he understood.   

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he barked back, clearly unconcerned with decorum.  He was going right back to the place they’d barely come out of, gloves off and ready to fight.

She turned to face him, refusing to cower at the stove with her back to him.  Rachel would try one last time to keep things low-key, while still standing her ground.  “I’m tired of being the woman you play house with when you’re not playing family with your ex-wife.  I’m not some hooker you've picked up on Main Street to fuck all night before you take off for vacation with another woman.”

His face contorted in a mix of anger and defensiveness, his voice raising, but not quite yelling. 

“Shit, Rachel… She IS the mother of my children for fuck’s sake!”

God help her, she had tried, but if he wanted this kind of fight, she would give it to him.  Rachel didn’t even know she still had the spoon in her hand until she slammed it down on the counter in a rage that had been building for months. 

“DON'T I KNOW IT!!!  Something I'LL never be because you refuse to even consider having a family outside of the sacred one you've created with Saint Dorothea!  How are we supposed to EVER build a life of our own???  You're still tied to the old one!  And I’m little more than something you keep on the back burner… an afterthought!

He slammed his palms down on the bar and regarded her with total disdain.  “I'm SO sick of having this fight every time I spend some time with my kids!!!  When are you gonna grow up and get over whatever your mental hang-ups are?”

In classic Jon and Rachel style, each raised their voice to exceed the other’s and, before long, the yelling had begun in earnest. 

“This doesn’t have a damn thing to do with your kids and you know it!  This has to do with you CHOOSING to keep your two lives separate.  You still see her as the number one woman – if not in your life, certainly in priority.  In your mind she’s the Virgin Mary!!  I don’t have to build a life with a man who jets off with another woman every chance he gets!  YOU haven’t broken that tie, Jon.  The only mental hang-ups around here are YOURS!”

“God forbid I grab every chance I can to be with my kids...”

“Yeah?!  Well God forbid I should actually have a say!  God forbid I should be allowed to be the mother of even ONE child of yours!  It isn’t that you don’t want any more children, is it Jon?  It’s that you don’t want any children outside of that blessed union with Dorothea.  Are you afraid you’ll dilute the royal Bongiovi bloodline if you sire a bastard love child outside of the confines of your ex-wife?”

In all of their arguments, Rachel had never seen anything like the explosion that followed.  It was obvious hers wasn't the only rage that had been simmering just under the surface because Jon was positively wild with fury. 

“Well maybe I don’t wanna have kids with a woman who can’t face up to real life so she runs away from me every chance she gets.  Just maybe I want the mother of my children to stay and fight instead of running away all the time!  Didja ever think of that??!!

She took a step closer to him with no intention of backing down from his nastily hurled accusations.

“Dorothea ran away from you!  Is that why you go sniffing around every time she beckons you???  So you can pick up the tab for some high-end vacation all in the name of giving your children one more precious memory with mommy and daddy?  Seems to me you’d have been better off to have given a little consideration to having children with me – I WANT to be with you.  Maybe your kids would’ve learned a better lesson to see daddy with a woman who wants him!”

He was red faced and somehow reminded Rachel of a spitting cobra, with venom dripping from his fangs when he took his next strike.  

“She may have run away from me, Rachel, but she sure as hell never whined around if she didn’t get my undivided attention or if I didn’t call home for a day or two.  If she had a cold I never heard a word about it.  If you weren't such a whiny, needy, pansy-ass you wouldn't have been at home…” he brought his fingers to the air to illustrate his point with condescending air quotes -  “‘sick’ while your husband took two young kids on a ‘family’ ski trip!  You’d have had your ass where it belonged – taking care of your kids!!!”

Rachel had reached across the kitchen island and slapped him before a conscious thought had even registered in her mind.  His head snapped back and his eyes went huge with shock and instant regret.

“Rach… FUCK!!  I’m sorry – I didn’t mean it.”  He had immediately skirted around the counter and was now grabbing her firmly by the arms, almost shaking her as he ducked his head to look into her face.  “You know I didn’t mean it!”

Honestly, the only thing Rachel knew for certain at that precise moment was that she couldn't stand the sight of the man whom she had declared was the love of her life.  She now understood the comment people often made about there being a fine line between love and hate, and if she had to look at him for one more minute, she was terrified that she would cross that line.

Her voice could only be described as a death whisper when she ordered, “Go home, Jon.....
And stay there.”

Chapter 80

After Rachel had picked up her sister, Robin, at Newark Airport, the two sisters were happily bound for Atlantic City.  A combination of good food, wine, pampering spa treatments and a bit of gambling were the perfect backdrop for their girl’s weekend.

The first hour of the trip had been spent catching up on family news with Robin talking non-stop about the thrills of being a grandmother, baby Hunter’s new skills and his first tooth. There was always some new silly story about their parents, particularly their father and then the typical eye-rolling conversations about her husband, Rick.  

Her sister took her time in getting there, but it wasn’t long before Rachel was the main focus of Robin’s attention.

“You’re trying so hard to show me your ‘Happy Face’ that I know things must be bad.  Is it Tyler’s birthday or is there something more?”

“Because Tyler’s birthday isn’t enough?” she snorted, checking her rearview mirror before switching lanes on the Garden State Parkway.

“No, silly girl, it’s plenty enough.  I just notice you’ve not mentioned Jon’s name since we talked last night.  What’s going on with you two?”

Even keeping her own eyes on the road, Rachel could feel Robin’s concerned gaze boring a hole into her.  It hadn’t been her intention to discuss Jon and their relationship on this trip, but her sister seemed genuinely concerned and had always proven to be a good sounding board in the past. 

What have I got to lose?

“I’m not sure how to answer that,” she led slowly, her mind racing to come up with a suitable response. “Things aren’t good between us.  We’ve done nothing but fight since we left our vacation and that was a couple months ago.  I could probably count the number of times we’ve had sex since January."

She caught a glimpse of Robin’s frown as she twisted in the seat, bringing one knee to rest on the seat.  “What happened to the love fest?  From what I saw during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, I thought you two would be announcing an engagement any day.  All this because he’s periodically inconsiderate?  Honey… he’s a man.  They all have their moments of being jerks.”

“Nick wasn’t a jerk.”  He wasn’t, Rachel thought.  Nick would never have spoken to her the way Jon had.  He had treated her like a Princess. 

Robin’s reply was soft but firm.  “Rachel… Nick’s death has left you with distorted memories.  He was a great guy, but he wasn’t perfect.  And he DID have his moments of being a jerk, too!  Do you remember how he overreacted when you had the fender-bender in his new car?  Or maybe you’ve forgotten when your water broke with Lauren while he was on the golf course, and he asked if you could wait until his game was over?  Or how about when Tyler was going through his biting phase and bit Lauren?  Nick spanked that baby hard enough to leave a mark on his little leg.  Do you remember THOSE things about Nick?”

Okay, fine.  He had been a jerk when she wrecked his new Corvette right after they got married.   Because Nick was such a car freak, Rachel had known from the moment of impact that it would be a huge scene and he hadn’t disappointed.  He had thrown an absolute fit in fact.  But, she justified, they were young and he’d spent every last dime on that car.  It wasn't an everyday thing for him to lose his temper that way.

And, yes, it was true he could be inconsiderate, as he had been when she went into labor with Lauren.  But that was because he was so into his golf game that he’d spoken before he thought it through, she reasoned.

As for the biting incident, he’d been heartsick when he bruised Tyler.  Nick hadn’t slept at all that night, worrying that their young son would somehow hold it against him.  At the time, Rachel had tried to rationalize the harshness towards their baby by thinking it was just Nick’s way of disciplining the boy. She hadn’t liked it, but she didn’t want Tyler’s biting to just be ignored, either.

“I remember all of that, but at least we didn’t fight like rabid wolves.  Jon and I fight hard, and sometimes he says things that cut me to the core.  The hurt goes so deep I find walls coming up between us, just so I can protect myself.” 

She might not have intended to do this, but, once she started, Rachel spilled it all to her unsuspecting sister.

“Even when we do have sex, it’s different now, Robin.  It’s… timid almost.  That’s just one more area we’re walking on eggshells with each other.  I mean, I used to love hearing him walk through the door.  Now?  Now it just makes me tense and I make excuses to work late or stay in the City to avoid coming home to him.  I think he does the same thing.  It’s just the opposite of what we were.”

“Do you still love him?”

“To the center of my soul,” Rachel answered the blunt question immediately.  She didn’t need a single second to think that over.  “I know it sounds terrible, but in twenty years with Nick I never felt for him what I feel for Jon.  It’s intense.  Bad and good alike, it’s always intense.”

“Ah.  Passion.”  Robin’s giggle wasn’t very subtle.  “He’s got a certain something going on.  I can see where that might be intense.”

Rachel couldn’t stifle the grin forming on her mouth.  Yeah, he definitely had something going on…. When things were good, they were amazing together.  In or out of bed.

“He’s got the most magnificent body.  I swear, Robin, when we were in the Caribbean I couldn’t keep my hands off him.”  Rachel laughed at the mere memory of their trip to Turks and Caicos.  “He kept threatening to change his clothes in the bathroom because every time he undressed I was all over him.”

“That’s all well and good, but is there more than lust, little sister?  Because if it’s just hot sex, the ups and downs aren’t worth the ride.”

Was it more than just hot sex? 

She thought of the way they’d taken care of each other over these months of challenges.  They hadn’t had sex for days when he lost the football team, but she’d felt closer to him during that time than ever before.  It hadn’t been about sex when he patiently took care of her, waiting for her to let go of her past and come to terms with falling in love again.  Their relationship had been tempered in the moments like those, in which Jon declared them to be “working out the kinks.  Rachel thought those were their strongest moments together – and they hadn’t revolved around their sexual relationship at all.  

There had been their share of hurdles, to be sure, but what they felt for each other was genuine, deep and abiding.  She was more certain of that right now than she’d ever been.

“It is,” Rachel quietly answered her sister as they merged onto the Atlantic City expressway, the neon lights looming in the distance.  “It’s so much more than just hot sex.”

                                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The brief trip with Robin was fun and served its primary purpose – to get through Tyler’s birthday. If she was honest though, she had been dying to get home to Jon before the weekend was over.  The time to reflect had given Rachel a much-needed mental break, renewing her determination to work through their issues and move on to a life together. 

She puttered around her kitchen, tidying up while waiting on Jon to join her.  He was currently on his way back from the City after dropping off his kids at their mother’s.  It had given Rachel plenty of time to get back herself, unpack, shower and start dinner. 

The table had been carefully set, Bolognese sauce was simmering on the stove, the salad was chopped and ready to be tossed and a couple bottles of wine were chilling in the fridge.  All that was missing was her dinner companion.  The wait gave her time to curl into the corner of the sofa and get a jump-start on her next project. 

Rachel realized she'd spent too much time in recent weeks – months, maybe – focusing on things that were draining her.  Life was for the living and, while Nick and their children would always remain in her heart, it was time to put her energy into more positive thoughts. 

Everybody had their version of a “bucket list”.  Rachel was no exception, but it had been far too long since she thought about the things she had listed and it was time to update hers.  It was time to revisit the things she had always wanted to do, but for one reason or another, never had.

She was so invested in the things scratched into the notepad on her lap, she didn’t even hear Jon come in the front door.

“Hey, Blondie…”

At the tentatively pleasant greeting behind her, she twisted her head to the left.  One look over her shoulder gave her a rush she hadn’t had in ages.  He was intoxicating, beautiful, and she was genuinely happy to see him. 

“Hey there, Rockstar.”

He bent over the back of the sofa to greet her with a kiss, but that simple kiss carried the impact of a sizzling bolt of lightning.   Senses humming, Rachel’s arm twisted behind her, winding around his neck as the kiss deepened.  She’d forgotten that sexy little growl of his until he broke the kiss with it and spoke against her mouth.

“It’s been awhile since you kissed me like that, little girl.”

Their lips were still nibbling at each other when she teased, “It’s been awhile since I kissed you at all.”

“’S’true… let alone anything else.”

When he nipped at her lip, Rachel absently wondered how long that pasta sauce could simmer unattended if she decided to flip him over the couch and make up for lost time.  “I may have to remedy that tonight.”

“You’re really gonna make me wait until tonight, aren’t you???”

He was growling again, this time with frustration and she laughed hard enough to be worried about spitting all over him.  “You have such a one track mind.  How about I get you a glass of wine and finish up dinner?”

“Mm… it smells great.  But, how about I get us both some wine and we wait a bit on dinner?  Okay with you?”   

The sauce would be fine, she decided.  Her nod was enough to send Jon to the kitchen, returning with two glasses of his favorite chilled Pinot Grigio.  

He handed Rachel her glass and sat beside her, laying his arm across the back of the couch.  Jon rubbed her neck as he set his wine on the end table, tentatively asking, “I know you didn’t want me to grill you about how you’re doing…. Is it okay to ask how your trip was?”

“It was... good, overall, but I’m glad the day is over.  It’s so hard to believe it would’ve been Tyler’s 13^th birthday.  How could it be that long ago that he was born?  I remember that night like it was last night.  He was such a sweet thing.  So perfectly beautiful.”  She shook her head wistfully at the recollection, enjoying it, yet not dwelling.  “It was good to be with Robin.  She allowed me just the right amount of reminiscing to go along with my distraction.”

“I’m sorry … that I didn’t deliver what you needed.”  Jon took a healthy swallow of his wine before changing directions.   “Anyway,  I’m glad you girls enjoyed your time.  You seem more relaxed.”

“I feel more relaxed.”

“I like you relaxed.”  The peck to her mouth was flavored with the wine and Rachel might have mauled the man right then and there if he hadn’t mentioned the paper on her lap.  “What’s with the notepad?”

“My bucket list.”

“Oh yeah??  You mentioned a bucket list when we were in the Hamptons – that day in the car when we watched the sunset, remember?”

“Mmm, not really.  I’m surprised you do.”

“I pay attention, missy.  You said you wanted to live in Hawaii for a while.  And you told me I was spending too much time in the Four Seasons because I’d never hiked Diamond Head.”

“I do remember that, now that you mention it,” she chuckled.  “I’d love for us to go sometime.   It would be amazing to experience that with you.  To stand up there, looking out over that view...”

Loving eyes met hers just before he leaned in and kissed her temple.  “Then I’ll take you and you can show me what all the fuss is about.  What else is on your list?”

“London.  I want to see London.”

“You’ve never been to London?”

Rachel shook her head with a slight roll to her eyes.   “No.  I've never been to Europe at all.  Nick didn’t like long flights.  Five or six hours was all I could ever get out of him, so that limited things. I’m fascinated with the history and architecture of London.  And Paris!  I want to see Paris.”

“I love London.  The energy is off the charts – a  little like Manhattan.  I can see we have some travelling ahead of us.” 

“I think the only thing better than seeing Paris would be seeing it with you.”

“I could probably arrange some time over there so you could really get the experience.  Would you like that?”

Rachel scooted over to Jon’s lap and wrapped her arms around his neck, peppering his neck and jaw gentle kisses.  “I would love to spend some time there with you.  Honestly, I’d really like to just spend some time with you.   It doesn’t have to be London or Paris or Hawaii.  New Jersey is fine with me.”

Jon’s quiet response was slow in coming.  It almost hesitant, really, but no less insinuating when he noted,  “I’ve been right here, Rachel.  You’re the one who’s been running off.”

She was left speechless for what seemed like minutes before surrendering to the painful truth of their situation.  Without actually accepting the inferred blame, she softly sighed and told him, “I’m so tired of fighting with you.  I miss who we were.”

His grin was slow and sure, and his eyes lit with a light she hadn't seen in them since Turks and Caicos.  That light lit not only his eyes, but her heart and she suddenly had the bone-deep feeling that everything was going to be okay.

"I've always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter,” he drawled, angling his mouth to hers.  “So whatcha say I take you to that big, fluffy bed upstairs, where we’ll roll around so much you’ll complain I’ve torn the sheets off again?  That sounds like who we were.  Doesn't it?”

Reveling in the sensation that only his lips could give her, she murmured into his kiss, “That sounds exactly like who we were.”

Chapter 79

Looking at the calendar reminded Rachel that her baby boy’s birthday was in just a few days.  He would have been 13 this year. 

Thirteen.  It was hard to believe so many years had passed since that sweet angel had been placed in her arms for the very first time.   She remembered the moment so vividly that it might have been yesterday instead of over a decade ago.  Not to say that it was any more significant than Lauren’s birth, but something about this birthday was especially hard for Rachel.  The invisible milestone when her boy should have started his trek toward manhood had her reaching into her closet full of Braden memories for a familiar touch.

They’d had it all, she and Nick.  A loving marriage, a beautiful home…  and then they’d been blessed with their little girl.   When a son followed five years later, they truly were the perfect little family. 

Nick had adored Lauren – spoiled her rotten, really.  There was never a doubt in anyone’s mind that she was his little princess, but when his son had been born, Nick was beyond overjoyed.  She supposed it was a man thing, bringing a male heir into the world and it made him as happy with her as he was with their son.

“Everything I’ve ever had or accomplished is because I had you in my life.”  She remembered the words he’d uttered to her as clearly as she remembered the night he spoke them. 

They were standing at Tyler’s crib.  He was sleeping peacefully and they were wrapped in each other’s arms, talking as husbands and wives do.  They discussed their dreams for the kids, marveled at how far they’d come in their life together and what the next part of their ‘life plan’ would lead them to. 

Never once did they consider that their life plan would never be fulfilled.

Now the children were safe with their father in some other world she wasn’t a part of.  She had to believe that he was still present with Lauren and Tyler, taking care of them until she rejoined them all at some distant point in the future.  That slightly convoluted train of thought was the only way she had been able to live through losing them.  

Even though it allowed her to find some semblance of peace,  it was times like this she missed Nick more than she cared to admit.  As the father of her children, he could relate to her grief and share in memories of their children’s lives – memories of them as a family.  

It would have been nice to have him here for this birthday.  Nick would understand how special the day Tyler became a teenager should’ve been.  It would have been a big event in their house, no doubt, and Rachel was suddenly bitter at all the things her son would never get to do or be. 

Regardless of how much he might like to, Jon would never be able to share that.  He was sympathetic, certainly, but the only person who could truly understand the loss of her two precious babies was Nick – and he was with them. 

Somewhere.

At least she didn’t want to curl up in a ball and relive every moment of the days leading up to Tyler’s birth, watching his baby videos and remembering those hours trying to deliver him.  That was progress.  She’d taken that approach the first two years after the accident, and it wasn’t a good choice. 

Rachel had found that she needed to be busy, and to that end, thought maybe a few days away with Jon might be good for her and them.  While she didn’t want to be coddled during this time, she needed Jon’s support.  But seeing as they still were in an awkward place, she dared hope that, in addition to providing that support, the time away would serve to bring them back together on their normal level. 

That was why Rachel convinced Jon to take a couple days for them to go on a blind road trip – to just get in the car and go wherever it took them.  They might end up in Boston, or Philadelphia...  Who knew where the road would lead? It didn’t really matter, she just wanted an excuse to be doing something. 

It was be easier to just not tell Jon the specifics of why she wanted to leave town.  She didn’t want him asking her how she was doing every few minutes, or if she was okay.  It wasn’t about memorializing Tyler’s birthday so much as it was about just getting through it. 

Jon hadn’t seemed over-the-top excited at her suggestion, but he went along if only to pacify her.  That was okay with Rachel so long as they were out and about, exploring new things and reconnecting with each other.   

Every battle they’d waged in recent weeks had left them scarred, further apart than the fight before, and never quite able to get back to where they were.  Rachel hoped that the funk she found herself in with Jon was exacerbated by her struggle with Tyler’s upcoming birthday and that, when the big day passed, things would somehow seem better with her man. 

It was Wednesday, two days before they were scheduled to depart, when Jon sauntered into Rachel’s kitchen carrying a huge bouquet of flowers in one arm and a basket in the other.  A quick peek at the basket’s contents revealed an arrangement of tequila, vodka, rum and two bottles of wine.  

“Honey, I’m home!”

Switching the stove off, Rachel turned to accept the kiss from his already puckered lips.  “Wow!  Looks like you’re covering all your bases tonight, huh?”

“Yeah.  I figure if the flowers don’t work I’ll ply you with liquor.”

“I hardly think I’m so difficult you need flowers AND liquor…”

The sideways cock of his head would have been enough to charm her into doing anything he wanted her to do.  Sometimes, the man entertained the hell out of her just by breathing.  And when he was in a playful mood?  She couldn’t resist him. 

“I dunno…. you’ve not been very happy with me lately,” he teased, parking his offerings on the island.

“I’m hoping things will find their level in a few days.  I really just need to get out of here.  A little distraction will do wonders.  You’ll see.”

“Yeah.  About that little getaway we had planned…”

His charm got up and walked out the door with that one sentence.   He couldn’t know how desperate she was feeling, or how she was hanging on by a thread,  but that didn’t matter to her at the moment.  Rachel’s shoulders instinctively drew up closer to her ears and her arms wrapped around her own body to protect herself from the hurt she knew was coming. 

“Don’t do it…” she begged before she could stop herself.

“Honey, it’s just a tiny postponement.  We can leave Sunday night, but Dorothea is gonna be out of town and I need to have the kids with me.  I don’t want to leave them with nannies when I don’t have to.”

She realized Jon didn’t know why she wanted to be gone on these specific days, and she could completely understand, even agree, that it was wrong for his kids to be with anyone but their father when their mother didn’t have them.  But her fragile emotional state combined with the feeling that Dorothea had once again been put at the top of Jon’s priority list… Well, it didn’t sit well.   

Rachel was angry and annoyed, but deeper inside she felt something like a kicked dog too wounded and battle-worn to fight.  She didn’t even bother to ask why there was a last minute change with parenting schedules. 

Grateful to the timely ringing of her phone, Rachel blessed whoever was responsible for the melodic noise that, to her ears, sounded like the saving grace of a bell signaling the end of a boxing round.  It didn’t matter who it was – this was a call she was going to take.   Anything would be better than another disagreement with Jon. 

“I need to get this, it’s my sister.”

“Rach, c’mon… Don’t be mad.  We’ll leave Sunday.  I’ll make it up to you in spades.”

The ringing continued while Rachel moved toward the back staircase.  She looked over her shoulder and tried to sound nonchalant, “Don’t worry about it, Jon.  I’m gonna talk to my sister while I soak in the tub.” 

                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She could hear him coming up the stairs about an hour later, when she stepped out of the closet with another sweater.  Enough clothes for a couple of days were laid out on the bed and the new leather bag he’d given her for Christmas was sitting open next to the stack of panties and socks. 

The wine glasses he was toting emerged through the doorway and caught her eye before she actually saw him.  Jon offered her one of the glasses about the same time he noticed her packing.  “You goin’ somewhere?”

The chilled wine was refreshing after her long soak in a hot bath, and Rachel took a second sip.  “Mmm… this is perfect.  Thank you.”  She stepped in and kissed him gratefully before answering his question.  “Uh, yeah.  My sister is coming tomorrow and we’re going to take off for a couple days since you’re tied up with your kids.”

His annoyance was instantaneous, but it didn’t last long.  That annoyance quickly turned to explosive anger.

“JESUS, RACHEL!  WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?  I only pushed back our trip by a couple days!  So you cried to your sister that I’m a terrible bastard, and now she’s flying across the country to rescue you from my evil clutches because I have the chance to spend some extra time with my kids?”  He waved her off before spinning around and walking out the door.  “Fuck this!  You’re completely unreasonable!  I don’t think God himself could make you happy!”

“Jon!  You misunderstood.”  He was already out the door and headed down the hallway.  “HEY!  Wait a minute” 

When she caught up to him he was already on the second step, meaning they were eye to eye when he  whirled around.   His jaw was clenched as the tip of his finger jabbed the air, mere inches from her face.  “This is one of those times you DON’T want to talk to me,” he spat.

“Jon!  Hear me out!”

“NO!  Not one word out of you!!!   Every time my kids come up there’s a fight!  And you think I’d even CONSIDER having one with you?  No fuckin’ way, baby!” 

The pace at which he took the stairs was staggering – it didn’t even look like his feet touched the ground – and Rachel was left standing at the top of the staircase in stunned silence. 

She didn’t know if she was more mad or more hurt.  Either way, she refused to chase after him, choosing instead to return to her packing and, eventually, crawling into her bed.  Alone.

The hours passed with Rachel tossing and turning, sleep nowhere to be found.  Jon had always been the one to cave in whenever they’d had problems in the past.  The fact that he hadn’t returned to her bed that night, after being so insistent that they always sleep under the same roof, was proof of how angry he was. 

Not that she could blame him this time.  She should have just told Jon from the beginning what was so damned important about leaving on schedule.  This misunderstanding was all on her. 

This is ridiculous!  Just go to the man and explain!

What had seemed deplorable to her before bedtime struck her with middle-of-the-night clarity and, suddenly, she couldn’t get to him fast enough. 

Hurling out of bed, Rachel threw on a robe and slipped into her running shoes.   She knew she could’ve run the short distance to Jon’s house in less time than it would take her to drive, but the cold weather combined with the late hour convinced her that driving was better. 

When she arrived next door, the portico leading into the courtyard nearest the family wing entrance was secured for the night.  That meant Rachel ended up parking her SUV at the front entrance and used her key at the main door.  Once inside, she quickly reset the alarm and rushed up the front staircase.

He had a habit of sleeping with the drapes open, she had often found him standing at the window staring at the Navesink River when he couldn’t sleep.  Tonight, the moon allowed just enough light to spill into the room so that she could see he was in the bed.  He was lying on his back, one arm thrown over his head and the other resting on his stomach. 

Rachel heard him exhale, but it was really more of a huff than a natural breath.   He was obviously awake… and not particularly happy that she was there.

She said nothing, only crawling into bed with him and tentatively resting her head on his chest.  He hesitated, but finally dropped his arm to curl around her, never speaking a word.

They stayed mutually silent in that same position for several minutes.  Finally, unsure what else to do, Rachel slid her hand across his stomach and wrapped her pinky finger around his. 

“I love you, Jon,” she whispered. 

His lack of response broke her heart.  The silence smothered her and she could feel the tears begin to form in her eyes.  The despair was more than she could take.  

“If you’ll just let me explain…”

His chest rose and fell, and he reached out to turn on the light next to the bed before speaking.  “Alright, Rachel.  It’s obvious I’m not gonna get any sleep tonight, anyway, so we may as well make use of the time.”

His tone wasn’t at all warm, but Rachel knew if he understood the circumstances….

“Honey, the reason I wanted to get out of here for a few days is only because Tyler’s birthday is Saturday.    I just felt like I needed to distract myself with something that would keep me busy.  It doesn’t have anything to do with your kids, I swear to you.  It’s just the timing.  And then when my sister called, she knew I was upset and… well… in a spur of the moment decision, she decided to come and have a girls’ trip.” 

Her man blew out a long breath, and then another one before he spoke to her. 

“Rach… why didn’t you just say that’s why you wanted to leave town when you mentioned the trip?”

“I didn’t want to spend those days with you asking me if I was okay, or how I was….I just wanted to let the time pass as painlessly as possible – to run away for a few days.”  Her voice became wistful.  Almost timid.  “It would’ve been his 13th birthday…. a milestone, ya know?” 

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m not sympathetic… because I am.  I can’t imagine what it’s like for you to deal with this every day and you handle it remarkably well.  But do you realize how much simpler things would’ve been if you’d told me what’s going on in your head?  I’m not a mind reader, Rachel.” 

He was right.  She knew he was, but she didn’t have it to do over again.  All she could do was try and justify herself.

“It’s just that things have been so bad between us the past few months.  I’m a little guarded, I guess.  My sister is coming for moral support and to have a visit – that’s all.   You’re right, though… I should’ve just told you.”  Rachel was willing to accept her part of the blame in this, but she wasn’t the only one who had mishandled the situation.  “Jon, I’m not the only one who’s lacking in communication skills.  It wouldn’t have hurt for you to talk to me before you changed our plans.”

He sighed again, but this time it was almost a growl.  “There’s one more thing you can add to my long list of disappointing deeds.  I’m tired…. let’s just get some sleep.”

Dismissively flipping onto his side, he reached for the lamp.  This wasn’t how she wanted to end their night.  Sucking in a determined breath, she tried one more time, “Jon, please…”

He flicked off the bedside light and cut her off before she could even finish.  “Enough, Rachel.  You’re right – there are some times we just shouldn’t talk.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  G’night.”

Chapter 78

Rachel was feeling decidedly more relaxed the next morning.  It could’ve been the good night’s sleep, courtesy of being in her own bed for the first time in a week.  Or, it could’ve been the middle-of-the-night orgasm courtesy of her next-door neighbor.

Either way, there was an extra spring her step as she bounced down the back stairs into the kitchen.  Stepping from the carpeted staircase to the hardwood floors brought Jon’s back into view.   He was standing at the counter and turned to look at her just as he began to sip from a mug.  After swallowing with an appreciative groan, he saluted her, crowing,  “Now THAT’S coffee.”

The expensive barista machine he gifted her with at Christmas had turned out to be one of her all-time favorite gifts, but she’d never tell him that.  She preferred letting him believe that she merely tolerated it.  That kept him from getting an unnecessarily inflated ego.  His ego was just fine the way it was.  It certainly didn’t need any help from her. 

The aroma as she approached him was heavenly, only to become more pronounced as she took the mug he offered. 

“Is this for me?”

His kiss was warm from the coffee when he murmured against her lips, “It is now.  I’ll make another one for myself.”

Shameful, really, that he still turned her on with nothing more than a simple, chaste kiss.  It would be so easy to let herself become lured into forgetting everything that was wrong between them.  While their late night romp had obviously improved both of their moods, she was level-headed enough to understand that their lives hadn’t suddenly blossomed into an idyllic field of hearts and flowers. 

Rachel knew the clock had ticked away long enough.  It was time to talk, but she had lived in a state of tension and discontent for so long now, that all she wanted was to have a peaceful cup of coffee with him.  Then they could dig into the muck and mire than had become their relationship. 

“So… what kind of day do you have?”  Her attempt at polite chit chat was more suited to that of a one-night stand, she supposed, but couldn’t think of anything else to say. 

So much for tension-free.

He shrugged in response and played along with the game.  “Finishing a couple things in the studio, but not until about noon.  It should be a lighter day than yesterday.  You?”

“I never know until I check my emails if my day’s gonna be a dream or a nightmare.”

What now, Rachel?  A dissertation on the weather for the upcoming week?  Ask about his parents?

Rather than to highlight the fact that they’d all but lost the intimacy she’d once reveled in, Rachel said nothing.  An uncomfortable silence hung in the air until she finally put down her coffee and let out a weary sigh. 

She felt like they were trying to rebuild a sandcastle that had been nearly demolished by the tide.  If they got it rebuilt again, would they ever be able to think of it in the same way?  Or would every crack in the structure be a glaring reminder that it could all crumble away again, without warning?

Jon matched her sigh with an equally weary, yet understanding smile.  Hooking  his arm around her neck, pulling her against him.  “I’ll second that.  This really sucks, doesn’t it?  Where’d the easy relationship we’ve always had run off to?”

All she could do was shake her head at him, the image of a ravaged sandcastle firmly entrenched in her head. 

“I don’t have a clue.  What’s more, I don’t know where to begin to try and fix it.”  Retrieving her coffee, she motioned for him to follow her into the family room.  There, she put down the coffee and pressed the button on the gas fireplace remote.  The flames instantly came to life before she plopped down on the sofa and threw a blanket over the lower half of her body.  “I’m wondering if it can – or even should – be fixed.”

“Funny how the good times give you so much energy and the bad times suck it right out of you, isn’t it?”

He stood at the opposite end of the sofa, putting his own coffee on the end table and the look on his face made it clear that he found it anything but funny.  His features were just as somber as she was sure hers must be.

“Yeah, well…. We don’t have a problem enjoying the good times.  When we’re alone and it’s just us, it’s euphoric.  The day to day stuff is what’s doing us in.”  She drew her legs up to make room for him at the other end of the couch and, when he had settled in under the blanket with her, she then placed her legs on top of his.  “Do you ever wonder if we’ve got the stuff flings are made of instead of the stuff relationships are made of?”

It had occurred to Rachel that he’d been right all those months ago when insisting that they promise to share a bed each night.  He had contended that sex neutralized the bad and allowed them to find a way out of any discord between them and this was the proof.  Even though they’d gone for weeks without making love, their brief union last night had taken their hurt and anger down a notch, making it possible to have the conversation they were now having. 

 “No,” he chuckled, “I can’t say I ever have.”   The smile he gave her was tender... playful.  “I HAVE wondered how such a hot, sexy, beautiful woman can turn into such a difficult, stubborn beast though.” 

Her own smile was rueful.  She was woman enough to admit it, but not without making him take his share of the beast burden. “I hear ya.  I’ve wondered how such a delicious LOOKING man can leave such a bad taste in my mouth when he becomes an inconsiderate, selfish, bossy, overbearing dick.”

“It’s been a long time since I left ANYTHING in your mouth.”  His bare foot under the blanket ran inside the leg of her pajama pants and stroked her calf before returning to the serious nature of their conversation.   “I’m not sure what to say or do to put us back on track, Rach.  I’m not even sure what the root of the problem is.”

Fortunately, she thought she did.  Now she did anyway.  Careful consideration had been given to this very subject while browsing  the many antique stores during her trip to Charleston.   From what she could determine, it wasn’t insecurity, jealousy or anything along those lines.  The problem was simple, really.

“I’ve done everything I can to show you that you come first in my life, Jon – almost  from the day I met you.  When you were uncomfortable with my wedding ring around my neck, I took it off and never looked back.”  She was consciously focused on keeping her tone soft and tender, determined this conversation would not result in a fight.  “Nick’s car?  I got rid of it at the first sign you were bothered by it.  I tried to make you comfortable in my home, in my world.  I didn’t want anything to make you feel second best.”

She found it a relief that Jon’s response was equally gentle, “I’ve done that, too, Rachel.  I’ve tried to make you as comfortable as you could possibly be – in MY home, with MY family.  You can’t claim anything different.”

“But Jon, I’ve never allowed even the IMPRESSION that Nick was the priority for me…….”

“It’s hard to make a dead man a priority, Rach,” he interrupted.

She knew he wasn’t being intentionally argumentative, so it was easier to let his thoughtless response go by the wayside than to address it.

 

“You can’t say you don’t make Dorothea a priority in your life and, what’s worse,  you compare me to her.  She bleeds into every personal conversation we have.   I believe she’s a lovely woman, but you have to make some changes there.” 

His mouth opened to speak and Rachel raised her hand to stop him before he could deny it.  He had denied it for too long already.

“Let me finish.  I don’t begrudge your colorful history with her or feel threatened by the time you spend with her.  But I do resent being put on the back burner as if I don’t exist, or my feelings aren’t relevant.  And since I’m on a roll here, I may as well get this all out… I don’t care how you and she handled the decisions in your relationship, and I sure as hell don’t care how you handled your birth control decisions.  You and I have to make choices for us that work best for US – not based on what you were or weren’t willing to do with or for her.”

He sighed, rubbing his eyes, and  Rachel found herself unsure as to where this might be going.  She had tried to keep things calm, but she had to admit that she’d gotten a little hot under the collar before she could control herself. 

“Everything you and I are coming to terms with, Rachel… my only experience with these things is with her.  It’ never been my intention to compare you as women, only the circumstances.  I’m sorry.”

It was her turn to sigh.  God, she  was tired of apologies.  They’d said them so often that the words had lost the impact they once carried. “We say ‘I’m sorry’ lately more than we say ‘I love you’.

She watched as Jon wriggled himself toward her, manipulating both of their positions until he had crawled in between her and the back of the couch, pulling her against his chest. 

“I love you,” he declared, lips pressed against her temple.  “Let’s start there.  At the end of the day, Rach, I love YOU.  I don’t want to be anywhere else than with YOU.  If I’m gonna fight with somebody, I wanna do it with you.  If I’m gonna fight FOR somebody, it’s gonna be you.”

There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that Jon was being as sincere as the day was long.  And it felt so good to have him wrap his arms around her.   The allure of him was almost more than she could take…

But there were still so many things they needed to talk about.  They didn’t dare stop now, or they would never get this finished.

“I’m not used to the fighting, Jon.   It breaks my heart, it leaves me feeling beaten up….it makes me resentful and angry.  This is just so foreign to me.  It isn’t how Nick and I related to each other at all.”

“Ah ha!  See?  You did it, too!”  He squeezed his arms around her, playfully chastising.  “You brought up Saint Nick!  I believe you were just telling me you didn’t care how Dorothea and I handled things.  You said that we have our own relationship and you didn’t want me using Dorothea as an example.”

She really was only playing when she jabbed her elbow into his ribs and rolled her eyes.  “My point was only that I’m not used to the fighting because Nick and I didn’t fight much.”

“Mmk… You justify it any old way you want to, but you just did the very thing that makes you so mad when I do it.”

He might have a valid point.  She supposed she could concede that one, tiny detail.  “Maybe, but do you really believe I’m trying to deceive you and get pregnant?” 

“No.  I overreacted and I’m sorry for saying that.”

His simple explanation and apology should have been enough, but it hit her the wrong way and she stiffened in his embrace and tried to pull away.  He had crushed her with his rage and the accusations that she was trying to ‘slip a love child in’ on him.  It was such a low thing to say and it still stung that he could possibly think that way about her. 

“JON!  Saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t undo ANYTHING!  That’s a big part of our problem.  You throw a fit and then think you can just apologize- ”

He didn’t let her finish before he interrupted, raising his voice to the volume, if not the high pitch, of hers.

“Jesus Rachel!  Will you let me finish before you jump off the deep end??  As far as I’m concerned, you flipping out every time I do something wrong is a big part of our problem.  At least I’m willing to acknowledge AND APOLOGIZE for my stupid shit!  I’m gonna make mistakes.  Newsflash, honey… you do, too.  And apologizing might not be such a bad idea for YOU to entertain once in a while .”

“Yeah, but you throw that out there  - that I’m trying to get pregnant without your consent.  It was a low blow, Jon.”

“I had an irrational response to the panic of realizing - for the first time I might add - that we’ve been fucking like two horny teenagers anywhere, everywhere and every chance we get for months without ANY birth control.  In MY world, Rachel, that leads to pregnancy!” 

The tone of his own voice must have pierced his consciousness, because she could actually see the switch flip in his head.  He knew this was about to blow up into another brawl… and it was obvious he didn’t want that any more than she did.  He lowered his voice and took a deep breath, carefully locking his arms around her once again.  “Maybe you should tell me what it means in YOUR world so I can understand why you’re so blasé about not being on the Pill.”

If he’d only asked that question to start with...

“It’s simple, really.  Like I said, both of my kids had to be conceived in a doctor’s office by in vitro.  It took years of attempts for both of them and we were on the most aggressive fertility drugs of the day.   The only conclusive reason they came up with was that I had ‘non-specific infertility’”. 

“I get that.  But why be so resistant to going on the Pill if it gives me some peace of mind?”

“C’mon, Jon.”  She squirmed against his arms again twisting toward them until they loosened.  “You’ve seen the way I take care of myself.  I’m very careful and selective, most of the time, of what I put in my body.  What’s the point of running and working out like a wild woman, eating organic this and that, drinking the gazillion bottles of water that I drink every day if I’m willing to put all those hormones in my body?  The Pill is more than birth control; it has tons of side effects and increases some cancer risks.  And before you ask, I don’t like the IUD, and the shot has side effects, too.   You can’t expect me to do that when you’re not willing to take care of the matter on your end.   As far as I’m concerned, this is your issue… not mine.”

“I get that – I really do – and  I know they say a vasectomy is no big deal...  But I just can’t do it.”

The combination of imagined pain and squeamishness on his face almost made her feel sorry for him. 

Almost.

“No birth control is 100%, Jon.  If you’re having sex you’d better be prepared to face the consequences like an adult.   I would never betray you in such a deceitful way as trying to have a baby without your agreeing to it.   I need to know that you know that.”

For the remainder of the morning, he did just that.  He assured her in a dozen different ways.  His words, his touch and the way he made love to her in front of the fire all told her he loved and trusted her.  

There was no reason not to believe him, but there was still an unsettled feeling deep inside her mind, body and heart.  Despite all those assurances, she still felt like she was on one side of a deep ravine while he was on the other.  And the bridge that spanned the gap? It was broken and tattered, hanging by a thread.